When is a lump just a lump?

So first of all you need to know that this is a progressive post. I have been working on it for a few weeks now.

When is a lump, just a lump?

I am bad. I don’t do regular checks on my breasts, I don’t pay much attention to my health unless it is impacting me at that point in time and if I am honest, I try and avoid my doctor as much as possible. I like living in my fantasy land of ignorance as much as possible. So when I first felt a lump that I had never noticed before I didn't think much of it. I was hormonal and cranky and figured that like most things it would go away. It didn't hurt, so it wasn't on my priority list of things to worry about. To the point where I didn't even mention it to my GP the next time I saw them.

Or the time after that, or after that.

You get the picture.

Over the weekend I admit that I noticed the lump again and it hurt a little bit. This time it hurt when I felt it and it got me thinking. When is a lump just a lump and when is it time to go and see someone about it? Now don’t worry I can here you yelling through the computer screen that it is better to get it checked out than ignore it. I have an appointment with my GP to talk about it, but if I am being honest I can’t help but wonder if I am imagining it. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I don’t know how long it has been there, I don’t know if it is bigger or smaller than normal and I certainly don’t know if it is normal for me or not. All that I know is that it is there today and in the last 3 days it hasn't gone away.

Doctors scare me. They always want to know everything, and I want to tell them nothing. I like my privacy and even though they are there to help me, I sometimes feel that I am making something out of nothing. It doesn't matter though, I still managed to go and see my GP and utter those words "I have a lump."

Remember how I said I didn't like my Dr? Well that was one appointment that I walked out hating him and maybe even myself a little for taking it so personally. He made me feel silly and while in my head I know that what he was saying was right my heart just wanted an answer. I walked out of his office with a re-education on my periods (like I haven't worked them out over the last 20yrs) and was told to come back and see him if it was still there in 2 weeks. Something about hormone levels,  blah blah blah, and how it will probably go once I get my period.

So now I wait.
.
And wait
.
.
.
And wait. 

The whole time checking myself to see if he was right, paranoid that I am wrong. The pain subsided, but the lump didn't.

Then I get sick and can't seem to shake this cold that has now given me a chest infection and I have to go back to the Dr. He goes to listen to my chest and pauses,  "is that lump gone?" He asks and while it hasn't been a full 2 weeks I tell him the truth "no." He listens to my chest and gives me time off work to rest and then tells me that now we will send you for testing on the lump too. In my mind I am too sick to even work up any worry and just take his request in my stride.

Now at this time I will point out that I haven't really told anyone what is happening as why worry about it when it is 'just a lump'. I do however let it slip to mum that I need to get this scan done and not even thinking about it she suddenly knows and is worrying. She doesn't say it directly, but I can tell she is. I know that even though I have told her not to worry, she still will. I guess it is a mum thing.

I get in quickly to have the scan done, and let me just say, if you thought ultrasound gel was cold when they scan your belly for pregnancy, let me tell you, it is colder when it is on your chest. It didn't take long and the guy doing the scan was really lovely and was quick to assure me that he couldn't see anything major, just a Lipoma (fatty deposit). Not that it is official until the Dr tells me it is all good, but it gave me a chance to breath again.

I finally made my way back to my Dr and he confirmed that everything was Ok. I admit that I breathed a sigh of relief. 

So I guess to answer my own question "When is a lump just a lump?" The answer is, when you have had it checked and the doctor says that it is.

Ok Japan I am suitably impressed

Last week I took off on a new adventure...... JAPAN! From the moment I landed I have been impressed. For a country that has a population of over 126 million people they haven't forgotten the little things that make society great.

When I arrived at the airport I was met with someone greeting me at the airport holding one of those signs with your name on. You know the ones, I have seen them before and wondered how you get them, now I know. From there the lady who was a lot smaller than me INSISTED that she take both my suitcase and hand luggage and wheel it outside where a taxi (or as I found out last they call it a limousine) was waiting. They loaded everything for me and then I was waved and bowed off and I was on my way to the hotel. The driver even made sure I was alright checking that the car was of comfortable temperature while I stared wide eyed at everything around me. I was the epitome of the typical tourist.

If that hadn't clued me into the service level in Japan then my arrival at the hotel cemented it. My bags were unloaded from the car and I was helped out of the car like I was royalty. It was then that I realised that I was not at home anymore. They helped me check in and then took my bags up to my room helping explain anything that I needed to know to make my stay painless along the way. They expected nothing extra for this, it is just their way.

For the last 9 days I have travelled to many different cities in Japan and it all remains the same. Everyone greets you in the morning, says hello when you walk into a shop and will go out of there way to be helpful if you ask for help. It doesn't bother them if you don't understand the language, most people know basic English and that is helpful. I have picked up a few words, enough to get by. It also hasn't mattered what time of day or night I have felt safe at all times. The tour I did helped get me where I needed to go, but even without it things haven't been hard.

The Japanese people have something special. No matter the age there is respect. There is no litter on there streets. Smokers have designated rooms to smoke in out of the public areas. There manners are an example of what the rest of the world should strive for and no matter what is happening they do everything to get the job done.

Yesterday I went on a day tour to Hiroshima. It rained the whole day and I was wet and cold for most of it. At the time I grumbled and complained about how I wasn't enjoying myself, however when I got back to my hotel room last night the thing that stuck in my head as I was unpacking my handbag to dry it out was that the tour guide who was with us spent the whole day with a smile on his face as he walked us through the city explaining the relevant historical information. He had no umbrella and was just as soaked as what I was, if not more so and he never complained once.

Atomic Bomb Dome (Hiroshima Peace Memorial) © Kristy Seelander 2016

The other thing that I love about this place is that no one cares if you are dining alone. As I sit here writing this I am 1 of about 10 people in this restaurant on my own. Each of us is reading, writing or listening to music and no one cares. They don't look down on you wondering why you would bother going out on your own like people sometimes do at home.

So Japan thank you for an amazing holiday. Thank you for reminding me that humanity and manners do still exist in everyday life somewhere in the world. I am impressed.

Japanese Garden - New Otani Hotel, Tokyo © Kristy Seelander 2016

Matsumoto Castle © Kristy Seelander 2016

Old Merchant Houses, Takayama © Kristy Seelander 2016

Kinkaku-ji, Kyoto © Kristy Seelander 2016

Toori Gates at Fushimi Inari-Taisha Shine, Kyoto © Kristy Seelander 2016

My scare

I had a scare this week. I was out at a fitness class and all of a sudden I had no idea why I was there or what I was meant to be doing.

Hang up a minute let me rewind.

Back in 2013/2014 I suffered from headaches and migraines. They came from no where and in that time I always had a headache it was just the severity that differed. They stopped add sudden as they appeared in early 2015. I had over 12mths of 'normality'. In the last month though things changed.

I have had 2 migraines this month and have struggled to just get through the working day. I have tried though. Even if it meant foregoing a weekend to try and recover. I did it as I hate giving in to the need to sleep my days away. The last migraine didn't fully go away though. It has been lingering around like a bad small since early last week. It was just at a headache level when I decided to go to Konga on Tuesday night.

To say I struggled would be an understatement. I kept stopping. At first I put it down to missing a class last week and didn't think much of it, but before I knew it I was stopping every few minutes trying to work it what I was doing. I felt lost.  I was getting frustrated at the fact that even the simplest of moves I was struggling with. Moves that I have been doing for almost a year. My hands and feet weren't listening to my head. Heck my head wasn't even listening to my body. Nothing wanted to work. I have never passed out before but my mind was so blank it was like I was blacking out while still awake. By the end of the class I was upset and annoyed at myself for my lack of coordination. Walking over to my keys and phone I felt funny though. I had to actually concentrate on walking. Just putting 1 foot in front of the other. It wad then I realised that something was wrong.

My hands and legs felt shaky. I had trouble unlocking my phone. I felt weird and eventually took a seat and called mum. There was no way I was getting in my car feeling like this. Mum being mum came and picked me up and the whole way home I kept thinking "maybe it is just my blood pressure". When I got home I checked and that was fine. I still struggled to explain how I was feeling other that to say I didn't feel right.  I managed a shower and ended up having an early night. In the morning it was like the night before hadn't happened. For that brief moment I wondering if I imagined the night before.

Something told me to drive to the drs and see what he said. His answer was to seems me for a MRI. So I planned that for Thursday morning. Mum said she would drive me. Firstly I will say that a MRI is loud. Like really really loud! Second, if you have a headache before, it isn't going to end well. I ended up back at home with a severe headache and needing to crawl into bed. So I called in sick to work. Not what I planned, but I knew it would be the best thing for new. I slept the day away.

That night mum suggested that I didn't drive while I waited for my results. I agreed with her and she took me to work on Friday. I still had my headache and it quickly became clear that the brain fades were not isolated to Tuesday night. I have lost my words a few times in the last few days and aside from being frustrating it is also embarrassing.

So my weekend is on hold. I am still not driving in the hopes that this headache clears and with it my lost thoughts go too. All my plans are out the door and instead I am trying not to obsess over what might be and just chill out and wait for my results. I am hoping for answers and good news.

I will say though that the last few days scared me. I felt like my body wasn't my own.

Today I am choosing to listen to my body and take it easy. I hope that you listen to yours.

Xoxo

P.S - I released my 4th book yesterday. ☺

Lost and Found

So since before Christmas I have been missing something. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It wasn't that I wasn't happy, but it was like I wasn't 100% me.

Tonight I worked it out. I was missing Konga..... or The Jungle Body as it is now called. 

The energy was amazing and I feel amazing now. No doubt that I will feel it tomorrow, but for now I feel like I have sweat out all the crap from Christmas and the new year and I have found my mental balance again. Ok so it is only 1 class and it shouldn't make a difference, but I know that it will.

Inside I know that I am doing something for me! 
I am spending an hour loving myself for who I am and not what everyone else things that I should be! 
I know that while I may not change on the outside, I am loving my inside! 
I love how I can laugh uncontrollably and be uncoordinated and NO ONE CARES!
No one is watching me fail, no one is checking out my bum as I squat (this still surprises me given how I joke about it's size) and no one is caring if I do things differently to everyone else.

In an effort to carve out Me Time, this is my hour a week.....well it is actually my 2hrs a week as I attend both classes. 

So to me time! To finding that place where I can just be me. To an amazing instructor who is teaching me to love me, just as I am. Who provides a non confrontational environment to get fit in. Where no one cares what I look like, or if I stink of sweat. To finding new friends and catching up with old ones you haven't seen for a while!

Photo used with permission of Sam - The Jungle body with Sammy

Me and Dating

Now for those who know me well you will know that I keep my private life VERY private. I don't discuss what is going on in it and I certainly don't talk about it openly. So this post is going to be very out of the normal for me, and it is likely to be very honest. It is also likely to hurt for me to write, so bear with me while I put it into words that I can deal with.

I don't date, I don't 'hook up' and I don't do casual sex. Oh and friends with benefits don't exist in my world. In fact when I say I never have....... I mean like NEVER NEVER!

I am 32 (gee I have said that a lot recently, like I am finally accepting that I am no longer 18, or even in my mid 20's) and I have never been on a single date. Before you ask me to clarify, this doesn't include when you are in "love" as a teenager and go to the movies with some guy (who I think now is gay).

I could look at this as tragic, but someone recently told me that it is only tragic if I let it be. So I am not letting this be a sad thing. I am going to say that it means that I have standards and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Ok so it has its positives and negatives, being dateless that is. Some of which are as follows

Positive

• I can just do, I don't have to check that I am free, as there is no one to check with.
• I am free to travel and don't have to take anyone else's thoughts into account.
• If I don't feel up to socialising, I can bum around in my PJs and get lost in a book (and fall in love with a new fictional boyfriend)

Negative

• There is no one to drag to those social events as my plus 1 when needed.
• I have no one to hold me when I am feeling down and tell me that everything will be alright
• I am alone..... like all the time

When I admitted to myself that I was 32 and had never been on a date I wondered how I had made it this far in my life and without going on at least 1 date. Once I started thinking about it though, it became really clear. 

In my late teens, early twenties I didn't like myself (as mentioned in another blog post recently). In fact I would probably go as far as to say that I hated myself. I avoided mirrors as I didn't like what was reflected in them. I have never really been a social person, so this made me retreat even further into myself. I had the mentality that if I didn't like myself that no one would ever like me. When you add in that I don't/can't drink, I have already lost the social lubrication that alcohol brings.

In my mid twenties I started to travel. Interstate at first and then overseas. I met a lot of amazing people who didn't care that I was quiet, who didn't care about my size, they liked me for me. This was really the first time that I started to try and shake off my self hate and move forward with my life. I still didn't care that I was single when my friends started hooking up with guys and settling down in serious relationships.

In my late twenties I was stuck in a rut, still not a majorly social person and still not 100% confident in myself. I was just me. My last year in my twenties I had a party for my birthday, it was the first time I was the centre of attention at a party. It was nice, fun and full of laughs, but it still felt a little overwhelming.

Now I am in my thirties, I have travelled part of the world and I am funny and amazing. I am getting fit and exploring my own boundaries while testing those limits that would be only fair to be deemed self imposed. I am still not overly confident and I have still never been on a date. It isn't because I don't want to, but because I am scared now. I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea about where to even begin. 

Internet dating sounds good in theory, but I don't possess the confidence to put myself out there. Heck I have been writing since I was a teen and only published my first book this year and that was under a fake name as I was nervous about putting my work out there under my own name.

Blind dates scare me just as much.

So for now I think that I am happy to sit here and be dateless as if it is meant to be, it will be. 

I am learning to be happy one day at a time.