I don't date, I don't 'hook up' and I don't do casual sex. Oh and friends with benefits don't exist in my world. In fact when I say I never have....... I mean like NEVER NEVER!
I am 32 (gee I have said that a lot recently, like I am finally accepting that I am no longer 18, or even in my mid 20's) and I have never been on a single date. Before you ask me to clarify, this doesn't include when you are in "love" as a teenager and go to the movies with some guy (who I think now is gay).
I could look at this as tragic, but someone recently told me that it is only tragic if I let it be. So I am not letting this be a sad thing. I am going to say that it means that I have standards and I don't want to settle for anything less.
Ok so it has its positives and negatives, being dateless that is. Some of which are as follows
Positive
- I can just do, I don't have to check that I am free, as there is no one to check with.
- I am free to travel and don't have to take anyone else's thoughts into account.
- If I don't feel up to socialising, I can bum around in my PJs and get lost in a book (and fall in love with a new fictional boyfriend)
Negative
- There is no one to drag to those social events as my plus 1 when needed.
- I have no one to hold me when I am feeling down and tell me that everything will be alright
- I am alone..... like all the time
When I admitted to myself that I was 32 and had never been on a date I wondered how I had made it this far in my life and without going on at least 1 date. Once I started thinking about it though, it became really clear.
In my late teens, early twenties I didn't like myself (as mentioned in another blog post recently). In fact I would probably go as far as to say that I hated myself. I avoided mirrors as I didn't like what was reflected in them. I have never really been a social person, so this made me retreat even further into myself. I had the mentality that if I didn't like myself that no one would ever like me. When you add in that I don't/can't drink, I have already lost the social lubrication that alcohol brings.
In my mid twenties I started to travel. Interstate at first and then overseas. I met a lot of amazing people who didn't care that I was quiet, who didn't care about my size, they liked me for me. This was really the first time that I started to try and shake off my self hate and move forward with my life. I still didn't care that I was single when my friends started hooking up with guys and settling down in serious relationships.
In my late twenties I was stuck in a rut, still not a majorly social person and still not 100% confident in myself. I was just me. My last year in my twenties I had a party for my birthday, it was the first time I was the centre of attention at a party. It was nice, fun and full of laughs, but it still felt a little overwhelming.
Now I am in my thirties, I have travelled part of the world and I am funny and amazing. I am getting fit and exploring my own boundaries while testing those limits that would be only fair to be deemed self imposed. I am still not overly confident and I have still never been on a date. It isn't because I don't want to, but because I am scared now. I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea about where to even begin.
Internet dating sounds good in theory, but I don't possess the confidence to put myself out there. Heck I have been writing since I was a teen and only published my first book this year and that was under a fake name as I was nervous about putting my work out there under my own name.
Blind dates scare me just as much.
So for now I think that I am happy to sit here and be dateless as if it is meant to be, it will be.
I am learning to be happy one day at a time.
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