Kids and my life

Wanted

A child

Preferably one that is born by me

If not one that needs my love

I was 12 the first time that I told someone that I was never having kids. My grandfather had just died and in my head I didn't want to subject anyone to the pain I was feeling.

At 18 my mind was still set the same. I hadn't really had a boyfriend at this stage and wasn't loving myself, so I figured that no one ever would love me so kids didn't matter.

At 21 I was still content in my decision not to have kids. The world was a scary place. At this time I will point out that I didn't want to travel the world either.

At 25 despite having my first nephew I still wasn't interested in kids. I had a maternal instinct and loved holding and looking after my nephew, but I was still adamant in my decision not to ever have kids.

At 27 everything changed. Well maybe not everything, but things changed. I started wondering what it would be like if I had a child. Even though I know that I possibly shouldn't (due to health stuff and my own personal concerns), I started wondering if maybe I had been too hasty. I will also add that by this time I had already travelled to Europe once and was loosely planning my next trip.

At 30 I thought that I was too old, still being single and never have been in a relationship, I figured that my chances were slim of ever bringing a child into this world that I carried myself.

I turned 32 in October and while in the back of my head I still think that I am too old and my health still causes me moments of doubt and concern, I can't help but still want to have a baby. To feel them growing inside of me, to experience motherhood in all that it entails, to raise another living soul, to know that when I die I am leaving someone behind that loves me unconditionally. I don't want to be alone when I get older. I have finally gotten to a place where I am mostly happy with my body, even if it isn't what I thought that it would be when I was younger.

I am watching my friends, both younger and older than I am myself having kids, and wish that it was me. I celebrate in their happiness and wallow in my personal jealously at wishing it was me. I love that I can spend time around kids that are not my own and spoil them like they were my own.

So I wonder if I will regret it if I don't have a child, and if I do will I regret that I did? Do I have it in me to change my whole life, finding a new place to live and a way to fall pregnant that doesn't leave me feeling hollow and unloved inside?

The answer is that I don't know, but what I do know is that my ticking biological clock tells me that I need to decide and decide quick, before it really is too late.