Fat

Fat.... It is a word I personally hate and have spent a lot of time trying not to think of myself using that word. For the first 30 something years I tended not to care enough about it to care if I was fat. I did what anyone does when they are living in denial, they ignore the issue. I accepted that I was fat, I accepted that I would always be that way and I accepted that people around me probably saw me as fat. I just didn't care for the most part, and when I did care I used to tell myself that who cared that I was fat, those around me knew that I was beautiful inside and if a stranger couldn't get past my looks well fuck 'em. That was THEIR problem, not mine.

Then it started to get to me, I started to hate myself more and more with each passing day. I avoided shopping as I hated seeing myself in the massive mirrors and I hated the struggle of finding clothes that fit. What I hated most was seeing that size on the tag and thinking how huge it was.

I promised myself that I would do something about it. I started attending a fitness class where everyone was different sizes and different fitness levels. I gave it my all and slowly I started to change my thinking. I started not caring if I was fat and believing that I was beautiful again. I loved shopping while I am still not a fan of the mirrors I cared less and less about the size on the tags. Now I would love to say that the tag size changed or that I lost a bunch of kilos, but I didn't. It was all in my mind. I felt better inside. Numbers didn't matter. I was happy and knew that no matter how I looked, I was getting fit and fitness comes in all sizes. I gained confidence in not only myself, but my ability. I gained confidence in my happiness.

Now I know by now you are sensing the but...... I promise it is coming, right now in fact.

I did a silly thing this week, I weighed myself for the first time in ages and I had gained a few kilos. It was just enough to put me outside of my "normal" weight range. In fact it was only 2 kgs over my weight range, but all of a sudden things changed. I started hating myself, I started hating my body and while I knew that it could be muscle, it could be water retention, hormones or the fact that I have missed a few classes being sick with a chest infection, my mind skipped all those plausible reasons and jumped straight to FAT. That 3 letter word that systematically stripped away 18 mths of work in changing the way that I felt about me.

Still not wanting to let it deter me, I still managed to drag my fat ass (my brains current description of myself) to class where I attempted to punch out, kick out and squat out my bad mood. The same as what I always do to help with my mental health, only this time it was the last track that screwed me over. It was a plank track. Now at the best of times I struggle with planking. Have you ever tried to support your whole body on your toes and hands? Well I can't do that, heck I can't even do the version where you are on your knees and forearms. I couldn't hold my 110+ kilo body weight up. I kept falling and the more I tried the worse I felt. Think beached whale. I felt ugly, I felt fat and I hated myself, not only for feeling that way, but for letting myself feel that way. 

I cried through the cool down and couldn't escape fast enough. My mood turned toxic quicker than I could blink. I drove home hating myself and then proceeded to cry in the shower, while avoiding even looking at my own body.

This just goes to show that even when you think that you are fine, things change. I know that things will get better and this is just a hurdle. I know that in coming days/weeks/months I am going to look back on this and be like, "how silly was I?" but for now, it hurts. I hurt and there is nothing that anyone else can say or do to make me feel better. I know that only I can change the way I feel and only I can get past it. So this isn't a cry for help, or a cry for attention, it is an admission that everyone has their own personal demons and sometimes it just helps to talk about them or write them down.

So hug yourself, you are the only you that you get. Love yourself as that is the most important thing that you can do for your mental health.

Riding Solo

The first time that I travelled overseas 8yrs ago, I did it on my own. I boarded a plane, for a destination that I had previously only ever dreamed of on my own. I navigated foreign airports and managed to maintain my panic when I was delayed by over 5hrs. I got to London and spent my first few days alone wandering the city in awe. That was the hardest few days of my trip. From there I met up with fellow travellers and spent the next 2wks travelling Europe with a group. I had such a blast. It was AMAZING!

Some people said that it must have been scary travelling on my own, but it really wasn't. Most of the time I was too busy having fun to care. I met some wonderful people and I never really was alone. Even on the flight home it was easy. I had conquered any fear I had of travelling alone..... or at least I thought that I had.

It took me another 5yrs before I travelled overseas again. This time I went back to Europe and again I spent time on my own for the first few days before I met up with another tour group. This time it was for a reason, it was my 30th birthday. I spent it with a group of strangers having drinks in a bar and while I was slightly homesick, it was an amazing night and holiday. By time my birthday hit, I wasn't surrounded by strangers, I was surrounded by people that I had become friends with. I was sad to be going home.

Last year it was New Zealand and earlier this year it was Japan. Each time I travel, if I travel alone, I am never alone for often. I always pick up a tour and throw caution to the wind and have fun. People still think that it takes a certain amount of confidence to travel on your own and I guess in a way it does.

This year I can't get away for my birthday and I was thinking about travelling down to the South West of the state for a weekend away. Part of it was to celebrate my birthday and the other part of it was to take some photos and see a few new things, (the caves, the forest and different beaches). I picked a location, got the leave I needed and I was ready to go, but it was only once I started to look at things in the big picture that I started to worry and wonder if I was dreaming. 

First of all, I am realised that it is expense to travel in your own state and even more expensive to travel on your own. For example I could go away and it would cost me $500 for 2 nights just for me, or if I was travelling with friends I would pay the same plus just an extra $30 a night for them. When I travelled overseas I didn't notice how much I had to supplement my costs because I was riding solo. You notice it when you are planning your own weekend away. I am paying for two people even though it is only me. Why would I want to spend so much money to be on my own. I can do that at home.

Then I started thinking about visiting the caves on my own, bush walking or walking along the beach, going out for dinner on my own and all of a sudden travelling on my own in my own state didn't seem that attractive, in fact it seemed downright depressing. People are not kind when you are on your own. They look at you funny if you go to a restaurant by yourself. They may not say anything, but they judge you. Instead of feeling confident, you end up feeling desperate and dateless. 

It is easy to put yourself out there and push yourself out of your comfort zone when you are already out of your normal surroundings, but it is a lot harder to force yourself out and about when you are just driving somewhere and need to plan your time away so that you don't waste it. Remember when I said that I had conquered my fear of travelling alone.....? Well I guess I was wrong. Maybe I have just conquered my fear of travelling overseas on my own. I still have a long way to go when it comes to riding solo in my own backyard. 

Not sure what I am going to do now. I have a weekend set aside and I am not sure what I should do with it. Can I handle spending that much money to be on my own or do I say bugger it and stay home?

When is a lump just a lump?

So first of all you need to know that this is a progressive post. I have been working on it for a few weeks now.

When is a lump, just a lump?

I am bad. I don’t do regular checks on my breasts, I don’t pay much attention to my health unless it is impacting me at that point in time and if I am honest, I try and avoid my doctor as much as possible. I like living in my fantasy land of ignorance as much as possible. So when I first felt a lump that I had never noticed before I didn't think much of it. I was hormonal and cranky and figured that like most things it would go away. It didn't hurt, so it wasn't on my priority list of things to worry about. To the point where I didn't even mention it to my GP the next time I saw them.

Or the time after that, or after that.

You get the picture.

Over the weekend I admit that I noticed the lump again and it hurt a little bit. This time it hurt when I felt it and it got me thinking. When is a lump just a lump and when is it time to go and see someone about it? Now don’t worry I can here you yelling through the computer screen that it is better to get it checked out than ignore it. I have an appointment with my GP to talk about it, but if I am being honest I can’t help but wonder if I am imagining it. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I don’t know how long it has been there, I don’t know if it is bigger or smaller than normal and I certainly don’t know if it is normal for me or not. All that I know is that it is there today and in the last 3 days it hasn't gone away.

Doctors scare me. They always want to know everything, and I want to tell them nothing. I like my privacy and even though they are there to help me, I sometimes feel that I am making something out of nothing. It doesn't matter though, I still managed to go and see my GP and utter those words "I have a lump."

Remember how I said I didn't like my Dr? Well that was one appointment that I walked out hating him and maybe even myself a little for taking it so personally. He made me feel silly and while in my head I know that what he was saying was right my heart just wanted an answer. I walked out of his office with a re-education on my periods (like I haven't worked them out over the last 20yrs) and was told to come back and see him if it was still there in 2 weeks. Something about hormone levels,  blah blah blah, and how it will probably go once I get my period.

So now I wait.
.
And wait
.
.
.
And wait. 

The whole time checking myself to see if he was right, paranoid that I am wrong. The pain subsided, but the lump didn't.

Then I get sick and can't seem to shake this cold that has now given me a chest infection and I have to go back to the Dr. He goes to listen to my chest and pauses,  "is that lump gone?" He asks and while it hasn't been a full 2 weeks I tell him the truth "no." He listens to my chest and gives me time off work to rest and then tells me that now we will send you for testing on the lump too. In my mind I am too sick to even work up any worry and just take his request in my stride.

Now at this time I will point out that I haven't really told anyone what is happening as why worry about it when it is 'just a lump'. I do however let it slip to mum that I need to get this scan done and not even thinking about it she suddenly knows and is worrying. She doesn't say it directly, but I can tell she is. I know that even though I have told her not to worry, she still will. I guess it is a mum thing.

I get in quickly to have the scan done, and let me just say, if you thought ultrasound gel was cold when they scan your belly for pregnancy, let me tell you, it is colder when it is on your chest. It didn't take long and the guy doing the scan was really lovely and was quick to assure me that he couldn't see anything major, just a Lipoma (fatty deposit). Not that it is official until the Dr tells me it is all good, but it gave me a chance to breath again.

I finally made my way back to my Dr and he confirmed that everything was Ok. I admit that I breathed a sigh of relief. 

So I guess to answer my own question "When is a lump just a lump?" The answer is, when you have had it checked and the doctor says that it is.

Ok Japan I am suitably impressed

Last week I took off on a new adventure...... JAPAN! From the moment I landed I have been impressed. For a country that has a population of over 126 million people they haven't forgotten the little things that make society great.

When I arrived at the airport I was met with someone greeting me at the airport holding one of those signs with your name on. You know the ones, I have seen them before and wondered how you get them, now I know. From there the lady who was a lot smaller than me INSISTED that she take both my suitcase and hand luggage and wheel it outside where a taxi (or as I found out last they call it a limousine) was waiting. They loaded everything for me and then I was waved and bowed off and I was on my way to the hotel. The driver even made sure I was alright checking that the car was of comfortable temperature while I stared wide eyed at everything around me. I was the epitome of the typical tourist.

If that hadn't clued me into the service level in Japan then my arrival at the hotel cemented it. My bags were unloaded from the car and I was helped out of the car like I was royalty. It was then that I realised that I was not at home anymore. They helped me check in and then took my bags up to my room helping explain anything that I needed to know to make my stay painless along the way. They expected nothing extra for this, it is just their way.

For the last 9 days I have travelled to many different cities in Japan and it all remains the same. Everyone greets you in the morning, says hello when you walk into a shop and will go out of there way to be helpful if you ask for help. It doesn't bother them if you don't understand the language, most people know basic English and that is helpful. I have picked up a few words, enough to get by. It also hasn't mattered what time of day or night I have felt safe at all times. The tour I did helped get me where I needed to go, but even without it things haven't been hard.

The Japanese people have something special. No matter the age there is respect. There is no litter on there streets. Smokers have designated rooms to smoke in out of the public areas. There manners are an example of what the rest of the world should strive for and no matter what is happening they do everything to get the job done.

Yesterday I went on a day tour to Hiroshima. It rained the whole day and I was wet and cold for most of it. At the time I grumbled and complained about how I wasn't enjoying myself, however when I got back to my hotel room last night the thing that stuck in my head as I was unpacking my handbag to dry it out was that the tour guide who was with us spent the whole day with a smile on his face as he walked us through the city explaining the relevant historical information. He had no umbrella and was just as soaked as what I was, if not more so and he never complained once.

Atomic Bomb Dome (Hiroshima Peace Memorial) © Kristy Seelander 2016

The other thing that I love about this place is that no one cares if you are dining alone. As I sit here writing this I am 1 of about 10 people in this restaurant on my own. Each of us is reading, writing or listening to music and no one cares. They don't look down on you wondering why you would bother going out on your own like people sometimes do at home.

So Japan thank you for an amazing holiday. Thank you for reminding me that humanity and manners do still exist in everyday life somewhere in the world. I am impressed.

Japanese Garden - New Otani Hotel, Tokyo © Kristy Seelander 2016

Matsumoto Castle © Kristy Seelander 2016

Old Merchant Houses, Takayama © Kristy Seelander 2016

Kinkaku-ji, Kyoto © Kristy Seelander 2016

Toori Gates at Fushimi Inari-Taisha Shine, Kyoto © Kristy Seelander 2016

My scare

I had a scare this week. I was out at a fitness class and all of a sudden I had no idea why I was there or what I was meant to be doing.

Hang up a minute let me rewind.

Back in 2013/2014 I suffered from headaches and migraines. They came from no where and in that time I always had a headache it was just the severity that differed. They stopped add sudden as they appeared in early 2015. I had over 12mths of 'normality'. In the last month though things changed.

I have had 2 migraines this month and have struggled to just get through the working day. I have tried though. Even if it meant foregoing a weekend to try and recover. I did it as I hate giving in to the need to sleep my days away. The last migraine didn't fully go away though. It has been lingering around like a bad small since early last week. It was just at a headache level when I decided to go to Konga on Tuesday night.

To say I struggled would be an understatement. I kept stopping. At first I put it down to missing a class last week and didn't think much of it, but before I knew it I was stopping every few minutes trying to work it what I was doing. I felt lost.  I was getting frustrated at the fact that even the simplest of moves I was struggling with. Moves that I have been doing for almost a year. My hands and feet weren't listening to my head. Heck my head wasn't even listening to my body. Nothing wanted to work. I have never passed out before but my mind was so blank it was like I was blacking out while still awake. By the end of the class I was upset and annoyed at myself for my lack of coordination. Walking over to my keys and phone I felt funny though. I had to actually concentrate on walking. Just putting 1 foot in front of the other. It wad then I realised that something was wrong.

My hands and legs felt shaky. I had trouble unlocking my phone. I felt weird and eventually took a seat and called mum. There was no way I was getting in my car feeling like this. Mum being mum came and picked me up and the whole way home I kept thinking "maybe it is just my blood pressure". When I got home I checked and that was fine. I still struggled to explain how I was feeling other that to say I didn't feel right.  I managed a shower and ended up having an early night. In the morning it was like the night before hadn't happened. For that brief moment I wondering if I imagined the night before.

Something told me to drive to the drs and see what he said. His answer was to seems me for a MRI. So I planned that for Thursday morning. Mum said she would drive me. Firstly I will say that a MRI is loud. Like really really loud! Second, if you have a headache before, it isn't going to end well. I ended up back at home with a severe headache and needing to crawl into bed. So I called in sick to work. Not what I planned, but I knew it would be the best thing for new. I slept the day away.

That night mum suggested that I didn't drive while I waited for my results. I agreed with her and she took me to work on Friday. I still had my headache and it quickly became clear that the brain fades were not isolated to Tuesday night. I have lost my words a few times in the last few days and aside from being frustrating it is also embarrassing.

So my weekend is on hold. I am still not driving in the hopes that this headache clears and with it my lost thoughts go too. All my plans are out the door and instead I am trying not to obsess over what might be and just chill out and wait for my results. I am hoping for answers and good news.

I will say though that the last few days scared me. I felt like my body wasn't my own.

Today I am choosing to listen to my body and take it easy. I hope that you listen to yours.

Xoxo

P.S - I released my 4th book yesterday. ☺

Lost and Found

So since before Christmas I have been missing something. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It wasn't that I wasn't happy, but it was like I wasn't 100% me.

Tonight I worked it out. I was missing Konga..... or The Jungle Body as it is now called. 

The energy was amazing and I feel amazing now. No doubt that I will feel it tomorrow, but for now I feel like I have sweat out all the crap from Christmas and the new year and I have found my mental balance again. Ok so it is only 1 class and it shouldn't make a difference, but I know that it will.

Inside I know that I am doing something for me! 
I am spending an hour loving myself for who I am and not what everyone else things that I should be! 
I know that while I may not change on the outside, I am loving my inside! 
I love how I can laugh uncontrollably and be uncoordinated and NO ONE CARES!
No one is watching me fail, no one is checking out my bum as I squat (this still surprises me given how I joke about it's size) and no one is caring if I do things differently to everyone else.

In an effort to carve out Me Time, this is my hour a week.....well it is actually my 2hrs a week as I attend both classes. 

So to me time! To finding that place where I can just be me. To an amazing instructor who is teaching me to love me, just as I am. Who provides a non confrontational environment to get fit in. Where no one cares what I look like, or if I stink of sweat. To finding new friends and catching up with old ones you haven't seen for a while!

Photo used with permission of Sam - The Jungle body with Sammy