Me and Dating

Now for those who know me well you will know that I keep my private life VERY private. I don't discuss what is going on in it and I certainly don't talk about it openly. So this post is going to be very out of the normal for me, and it is likely to be very honest. It is also likely to hurt for me to write, so bear with me while I put it into words that I can deal with.

I don't date, I don't 'hook up' and I don't do casual sex. Oh and friends with benefits don't exist in my world. In fact when I say I never have....... I mean like NEVER NEVER!

I am 32 (gee I have said that a lot recently, like I am finally accepting that I am no longer 18, or even in my mid 20's) and I have never been on a single date. Before you ask me to clarify, this doesn't include when you are in "love" as a teenager and go to the movies with some guy (who I think now is gay).

I could look at this as tragic, but someone recently told me that it is only tragic if I let it be. So I am not letting this be a sad thing. I am going to say that it means that I have standards and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Ok so it has its positives and negatives, being dateless that is. Some of which are as follows

Positive

• I can just do, I don't have to check that I am free, as there is no one to check with.
• I am free to travel and don't have to take anyone else's thoughts into account.
• If I don't feel up to socialising, I can bum around in my PJs and get lost in a book (and fall in love with a new fictional boyfriend)

Negative

• There is no one to drag to those social events as my plus 1 when needed.
• I have no one to hold me when I am feeling down and tell me that everything will be alright
• I am alone..... like all the time

When I admitted to myself that I was 32 and had never been on a date I wondered how I had made it this far in my life and without going on at least 1 date. Once I started thinking about it though, it became really clear. 

In my late teens, early twenties I didn't like myself (as mentioned in another blog post recently). In fact I would probably go as far as to say that I hated myself. I avoided mirrors as I didn't like what was reflected in them. I have never really been a social person, so this made me retreat even further into myself. I had the mentality that if I didn't like myself that no one would ever like me. When you add in that I don't/can't drink, I have already lost the social lubrication that alcohol brings.

In my mid twenties I started to travel. Interstate at first and then overseas. I met a lot of amazing people who didn't care that I was quiet, who didn't care about my size, they liked me for me. This was really the first time that I started to try and shake off my self hate and move forward with my life. I still didn't care that I was single when my friends started hooking up with guys and settling down in serious relationships.

In my late twenties I was stuck in a rut, still not a majorly social person and still not 100% confident in myself. I was just me. My last year in my twenties I had a party for my birthday, it was the first time I was the centre of attention at a party. It was nice, fun and full of laughs, but it still felt a little overwhelming.

Now I am in my thirties, I have travelled part of the world and I am funny and amazing. I am getting fit and exploring my own boundaries while testing those limits that would be only fair to be deemed self imposed. I am still not overly confident and I have still never been on a date. It isn't because I don't want to, but because I am scared now. I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea about where to even begin. 

Internet dating sounds good in theory, but I don't possess the confidence to put myself out there. Heck I have been writing since I was a teen and only published my first book this year and that was under a fake name as I was nervous about putting my work out there under my own name.

Blind dates scare me just as much.

So for now I think that I am happy to sit here and be dateless as if it is meant to be, it will be. 

I am learning to be happy one day at a time.

Kids and my life

Wanted

A child

Preferably one that is born by me

If not one that needs my love

I was 12 the first time that I told someone that I was never having kids. My grandfather had just died and in my head I didn't want to subject anyone to the pain I was feeling.

At 18 my mind was still set the same. I hadn't really had a boyfriend at this stage and wasn't loving myself, so I figured that no one ever would love me so kids didn't matter.

At 21 I was still content in my decision not to have kids. The world was a scary place. At this time I will point out that I didn't want to travel the world either.

At 25 despite having my first nephew I still wasn't interested in kids. I had a maternal instinct and loved holding and looking after my nephew, but I was still adamant in my decision not to ever have kids.

At 27 everything changed. Well maybe not everything, but things changed. I started wondering what it would be like if I had a child. Even though I know that I possibly shouldn't (due to health stuff and my own personal concerns), I started wondering if maybe I had been too hasty. I will also add that by this time I had already travelled to Europe once and was loosely planning my next trip.

At 30 I thought that I was too old, still being single and never have been in a relationship, I figured that my chances were slim of ever bringing a child into this world that I carried myself.

I turned 32 in October and while in the back of my head I still think that I am too old and my health still causes me moments of doubt and concern, I can't help but still want to have a baby. To feel them growing inside of me, to experience motherhood in all that it entails, to raise another living soul, to know that when I die I am leaving someone behind that loves me unconditionally. I don't want to be alone when I get older. I have finally gotten to a place where I am mostly happy with my body, even if it isn't what I thought that it would be when I was younger.

I am watching my friends, both younger and older than I am myself having kids, and wish that it was me. I celebrate in their happiness and wallow in my personal jealously at wishing it was me. I love that I can spend time around kids that are not my own and spoil them like they were my own.

So I wonder if I will regret it if I don't have a child, and if I do will I regret that I did? Do I have it in me to change my whole life, finding a new place to live and a way to fall pregnant that doesn't leave me feeling hollow and unloved inside?

The answer is that I don't know, but what I do know is that my ticking biological clock tells me that I need to decide and decide quick, before it really is too late.