Me and Dating

Now for those who know me well you will know that I keep my private life VERY private. I don't discuss what is going on in it and I certainly don't talk about it openly. So this post is going to be very out of the normal for me, and it is likely to be very honest. It is also likely to hurt for me to write, so bear with me while I put it into words that I can deal with.

I don't date, I don't 'hook up' and I don't do casual sex. Oh and friends with benefits don't exist in my world. In fact when I say I never have....... I mean like NEVER NEVER!

I am 32 (gee I have said that a lot recently, like I am finally accepting that I am no longer 18, or even in my mid 20's) and I have never been on a single date. Before you ask me to clarify, this doesn't include when you are in "love" as a teenager and go to the movies with some guy (who I think now is gay).

I could look at this as tragic, but someone recently told me that it is only tragic if I let it be. So I am not letting this be a sad thing. I am going to say that it means that I have standards and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Ok so it has its positives and negatives, being dateless that is. Some of which are as follows

Positive

• I can just do, I don't have to check that I am free, as there is no one to check with.
• I am free to travel and don't have to take anyone else's thoughts into account.
• If I don't feel up to socialising, I can bum around in my PJs and get lost in a book (and fall in love with a new fictional boyfriend)

Negative

• There is no one to drag to those social events as my plus 1 when needed.
• I have no one to hold me when I am feeling down and tell me that everything will be alright
• I am alone..... like all the time

When I admitted to myself that I was 32 and had never been on a date I wondered how I had made it this far in my life and without going on at least 1 date. Once I started thinking about it though, it became really clear. 

In my late teens, early twenties I didn't like myself (as mentioned in another blog post recently). In fact I would probably go as far as to say that I hated myself. I avoided mirrors as I didn't like what was reflected in them. I have never really been a social person, so this made me retreat even further into myself. I had the mentality that if I didn't like myself that no one would ever like me. When you add in that I don't/can't drink, I have already lost the social lubrication that alcohol brings.

In my mid twenties I started to travel. Interstate at first and then overseas. I met a lot of amazing people who didn't care that I was quiet, who didn't care about my size, they liked me for me. This was really the first time that I started to try and shake off my self hate and move forward with my life. I still didn't care that I was single when my friends started hooking up with guys and settling down in serious relationships.

In my late twenties I was stuck in a rut, still not a majorly social person and still not 100% confident in myself. I was just me. My last year in my twenties I had a party for my birthday, it was the first time I was the centre of attention at a party. It was nice, fun and full of laughs, but it still felt a little overwhelming.

Now I am in my thirties, I have travelled part of the world and I am funny and amazing. I am getting fit and exploring my own boundaries while testing those limits that would be only fair to be deemed self imposed. I am still not overly confident and I have still never been on a date. It isn't because I don't want to, but because I am scared now. I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea about where to even begin. 

Internet dating sounds good in theory, but I don't possess the confidence to put myself out there. Heck I have been writing since I was a teen and only published my first book this year and that was under a fake name as I was nervous about putting my work out there under my own name.

Blind dates scare me just as much.

So for now I think that I am happy to sit here and be dateless as if it is meant to be, it will be. 

I am learning to be happy one day at a time.

Kids and my life

Wanted

A child

Preferably one that is born by me

If not one that needs my love

I was 12 the first time that I told someone that I was never having kids. My grandfather had just died and in my head I didn't want to subject anyone to the pain I was feeling.

At 18 my mind was still set the same. I hadn't really had a boyfriend at this stage and wasn't loving myself, so I figured that no one ever would love me so kids didn't matter.

At 21 I was still content in my decision not to have kids. The world was a scary place. At this time I will point out that I didn't want to travel the world either.

At 25 despite having my first nephew I still wasn't interested in kids. I had a maternal instinct and loved holding and looking after my nephew, but I was still adamant in my decision not to ever have kids.

At 27 everything changed. Well maybe not everything, but things changed. I started wondering what it would be like if I had a child. Even though I know that I possibly shouldn't (due to health stuff and my own personal concerns), I started wondering if maybe I had been too hasty. I will also add that by this time I had already travelled to Europe once and was loosely planning my next trip.

At 30 I thought that I was too old, still being single and never have been in a relationship, I figured that my chances were slim of ever bringing a child into this world that I carried myself.

I turned 32 in October and while in the back of my head I still think that I am too old and my health still causes me moments of doubt and concern, I can't help but still want to have a baby. To feel them growing inside of me, to experience motherhood in all that it entails, to raise another living soul, to know that when I die I am leaving someone behind that loves me unconditionally. I don't want to be alone when I get older. I have finally gotten to a place where I am mostly happy with my body, even if it isn't what I thought that it would be when I was younger.

I am watching my friends, both younger and older than I am myself having kids, and wish that it was me. I celebrate in their happiness and wallow in my personal jealously at wishing it was me. I love that I can spend time around kids that are not my own and spoil them like they were my own.

So I wonder if I will regret it if I don't have a child, and if I do will I regret that I did? Do I have it in me to change my whole life, finding a new place to live and a way to fall pregnant that doesn't leave me feeling hollow and unloved inside?

The answer is that I don't know, but what I do know is that my ticking biological clock tells me that I need to decide and decide quick, before it really is too late.

I am a bad blogger, but maybe this will help make up for it.

I feel like I am such a bad blogger of late. For that I apologise. I hope that this will explain a few things and make up for it.

The last few months have been busy for me. I started a new job, one that challenges me every day in different ways, I have published 2 of my stories (which for those who know me well, know how hard that was for me to do), I have travelled to another country and I have had fun.

If you had asked me back in March how I felt about my redundancy I would have told you I felt gutted. Now I will tell you that it was a blessing in disguise. It really was a case of one door closing and another opening. I enjoy my job and I feel like I have found another "home."

I have managed to stay committed to Konga with Sammy every week, at least 2 classes where possible. I haven't seen the results myself, but I at least know that I am doing something active and I can say that I am doing more than anyone else who is sitting on their couch. I often get disheartened, but thankfully those that I Konga with help keep me motivated.

In April while I was still job searching I published a book, it was not for the money (because I don't have to coverage to make it big), but it was for me. To prove to myself that I could do it. To be honest I was scared, but I wouldn't change a thing. Last month my book club reviewed my first book Letters to Jenny and for the most of it, they seemed to like it. The constructive feedback was great and inspired me further. A few months later I released another story that was the first in a series of 7, the first one, I put on my blog only last year, but since then have edited and changed a few scenes. Life  and Death was very different to Letters to Jenny, but they are both close to my heart as they are my words on the page. There really is no better buzz than knowing you have taken a step outside of your comfort zone and that people, whether they are people you know, or complete strangers are reading your work. Now I am working on editing both the next story in the Agents of death series as well as what I refer to as my baby, the longest story that I have ever written, Danger Zone.

For my birthday this year I travelled to NZ and it was amazing! I met some amazing people and managed to do a lot of things that previously I would have just gone 'nup not doing that'. Things like zorbing (google it and imagine me laughing hysterically for 2 minutes straight!), ziplining, quad biking, flying in a helicopter and flying in a skywire. When I said that this year was going to be an adventure, I really had no idea what I was getting into, but I have to admit that it has been a massive rush.

I have a sign on my wall in my room that reads 

For me though, the greatest pleasure was doing what I told myself that I couldn't do. I may not have bungy jumped, skydived or did anything overly crazy, but I still managed to push my own personal limits. I won't lie and say that I wasn't shit scared, but it was worth it for the outcome.

I can't say it enough, push your limits, do things that you wouldn't normally do, don't care about what other people think, life for yourself and no one else.

Fat people clothes

Ok be prepared this is a major gripe session! 

I know, I know.... I shouldn't say that I am fat..... but come on, what else can you call it? Plus sized, bigger than the average person? They all sound about as amazing as one another... NOT! To be honest it doesn't bother me the label I get. I know within me, that I am amazing!

I spent time this weekend shopping. I was looking for a new jacket for work. Something smart but not totally business to go over my new smart work shirts. I went to a lot of shops, in various shopping centres, and came up with nothing and I have come to the following assumptions.

1. Fat people don't work. They are not entitled to own smart casual attire for work. If you are over a size 18/20 you clearly stay at home all day stuffing your face with junk food. You don't work in an office or any other position that requires you to be in semi business attire.
2. Fat people clearly shouldn't work out, or if they want to they should be thick skinned when they go shopping. If you are normally a 18 they are like to be a 24 in fitness clothes. I decided yesterday that I am not thick skinned enough. Yes I got a new work out top and pants for Konga, but I am not a size Fucking 24! I never have been and it hurt to see that on the tags. No matter how much I tried to tell myself that it shouldn't and didn't.
3. For every 5 or 10 racks of 'normal' sized people's clothes there might be 1 rack of clothes to fit the bigger person. Oh my god I just want to walk into a store and not have to find the minuscule amount of clothing that might be my size.
4. I don't have a problem paying full price for something as long as it fits. City Chic has some lovely clothes, and I never thought that I would say this, but my boobs are not big enough and my hips are too big to fit there outfits.
5. Fabrics, cut, design and colours/patterns are crap. Sorry I take offence to a piece of clothing looking and feeling like a Burlap sack. I don't want to wear a top that looks like I ripped the curtains off of a house from the 70's or 80's or leggings that show nothing but bulges in all the wrong places. Treggings.... What the actual fuck?! I thought Jeggings were bad enough.
6. Sale racks are a bust to most of the time. If it is plus sized and on a sale rack there is normally a reason for it. Don't get me wrong though sometimes you get a bargain on these racks but normally I am not that lucky.
7. Speciality stores and nice and make a change from the Kmarts, Big W and Targets of the world but a lot of places design with a size 6/8 in mind and once you get to size 18 or above you wonder why they bother having bigger sizes.

So needless to say I didn't get my jacket, the one I really needed. I did get frustrated and annoyed however I the grand scheme of things this doesn't help. 

This is me. I will just have to deal with it. 

Oh and keep searching for that elusive jacket for work.

The joy of flowers!

Have you ever purchased flowers just for yourself? I never had, but that changed last night.

I saw on facebook the other day, a company called Little Blossoms Perth. I was intrigued by there idea of doing small flower bunches delivered for a equally small price, so I thought, what the heck, I would be interested to see what they are like. The fact that they have only 1 bunch to choose from, and it changes daily, was what grabbed my attention the most. I hate making choices when it comes to sending flowers, and with this, I didn't need to worry.

So last night, before I went off to bed I ordered a double bunch to be delivered to myself at work. Lets face it, if you are going to buy flowers for yourself you might as well go hard or go home. At work this morning I waited patiently for my delivery to arrive.

Just before lunch the flowers were delivered to my work and I promptly put them on my desk, where they brightened my day. Everyone asked me where I got them from and why. I think that it surprised people when I said that I sent them to myself. 10 vintage roses. Each one looking perfect! All wrapped up in a hessian wrap with a cute little tag with my personal hand written note on it.

It got me wondering why I had never done this before? I spend a lot of money buying flowers for everyone else, but I have never once thoughts to purchase flowers for myself. This is going to change! I am not waiting for someone to buy me flowers again, and neither should you. 

I recommend that you check out Little Blossoms Perth or follow their facebook page and see what all the fuss is about!

Diary of the unfit

So my life in the last month has been full of change and has been one hell of a ride!

I started a new job on the same day that I started attending a fitness class once a week. Now the job was the easy part, actually staying committed to something fitness related was a challenge. 

The job, well it has been a month and I LOVE it! It is challenging and full of satisfaction with each and every day that passes. It has been a learning curve, but the people I am working with are amazing. I have been able to find better was for things to be done and looking at it with fresh eyes really has been great for them (or so they tell me).

Now to the point of this post, Konga! I can honestly say that after 5 classes of Konga with Sammy I haven't lost my drive yet and I am glad. I have come to love Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings, when I am constantly reminded that I got off of my bum and went to a class, with every move I make. I know for a fact that if I didn't have friends in the class and the instructor wasn't a friend, I probably would have either never turned up or would have given in and admitted defeat after the first class.

Don't get me wrong, I spend the hour laughing, not at others in the class, but at myself. I laugh at how silly I must look and how my legs don't want to co-ordinate with my arms. I laugh at how I don't look as good as the others in the class. It doesn't matter though, I am still turning up every week and I not only that, but I stand in the front row, pitying all those behind me who may get distracted by what I am doing or the fact that I am laughing or swearing.

Change wise I can't see a difference, however I sure feel the difference and I don't plan to throw it in any time soon, if anything I can't wait to maybe pick up another class a week.

Lest we forget

To some these 3 words mean a lot and to others they mean nothing. Sometimes we hear these words and forget what they are truly meant to mean. They are meant to help us remember the lives of the service men and women who over the various wars have fought to keep our country safe. It is too easy to lose sight of that and become complacent in our lives. Every year we celebrate ANZAC day in Australia and until today I will admit to becoming immune to the impact of what it all means.

This morning to help my sister out, I took her boys to school while she went to work. Had I known before I left my house last night about the ANZAC day ceremony that they were holding and what to expect I would have packed a better camera than the one on my phone. Instead I was told last night that it was happening today and that if I had nothing planned it would be worth my while to stay around for it, so I did.

While I was waiting for my youngest nephews class to open there were older students walking around offering up programs and rosemary (complete with ribbons and pins) to all the parents who planned to stay. They did so politely and were very respectful of everyone, including those who said no. You could see a sense of pride on their faces as they completed this task. That should have been my first indicator that I was likely to cry before the morning was out.

As I sit here now I can honestly say that I have been reminded on how important ANZAC day is to us as individuals and as a country. It truly was a privilege to be able to attend. It was heartwarming to see the whole school get so involved in the event and even more so to see the sheer amount of children who brought flowers in to school to lay with the wreaths. Not only that, but they were just as interested to be there as the adults were. They were silent and listening attentively. With every speaker I have no doubt that they learned something new, for I know that I did.

The reminder of the reason why we celebrate ANZAC day was so clear and to see that future generations are not going to forget our past was beyond words. They celebrated with flags, New Zealand, Aboriginal and Australian and towards the end of the ceremony they released doves.

While I could capture some of the ceremony with photos, I couldn't capture the emotions that it ripped from me, nor could I capture the music. Everyone has heard the last post before, but even now it is still one piece of music that brings a tear to my eye (some days many tears). By the time that the ceremony had concluded I put my sunglasses on to hide my glassy eyes.

I will not forget today for a long time, and I will be at one of the many dawn services come ANZAC day on the 25th April. I suspect that it will be one of many. Never let yourself lose sight of what it all means. It isn't just another public holiday. It means something to our country and those who live here.

Lest we forget.

I write

This last week has left me energised. Ok, I am still unemployed, but that is ok. I have my health and my family and awesome friends who pick me up when I fall down and feel like crap about myself. A job can always come when the time is right.

I have managed to read this week, granted not the book club book that I am meant to have read, but that is a minor detail. The other thing that I have done this wee is write. I have written a LOT! I also took a bit of a leap and tested out publishing something on Amazon. I was curious to see how hard/easy it was. Surprisingly it wasn't hard, well if you ignore the fact that I needed to create a cover. If I had to say what the hardest part was, I would say that it was actually pushing the button that said PUBLISH. I did it though and I am proud of myself for taking the leap. If nothing comes of it, I can at least say that I have done it. It is a short story and no where near as long as some of the others that I have written in the past.

Now I didn't publish under my own name so don't get excited and bother going to search for it. Like facebook I don't like my full name being out there so this one is something totally new. If you really want to know, ask and I will tell you.

So for now all is good in my world and I am happy to say that I write..... for me if no one else.

Job hunting sucks

Job hunting sucks!

It has been a month since I was made redundant and I am still looking for something new. I have no idea the direction I want and I seem to be stuck in an endless loop of just applying for office work as it is what I know. 

With each unanswered rejection I wonder what I could have done better in my application.

With every phone interview that goes no further I wonder if I said the wrong thing.

With every face to face interview I wonder what is wrong with me.

I keep telling myself that when the time is right I will get something, but in the back of my head I get disheartened with every rejection. 

So I repeat..... Job hunting sucks!

How things change

This time last week I was ready for another working week. My clothes were washed, lunch was made and I was considering having an early night in preparation for an early morning meeting. Thoughts of my week and the work I had to get done were running through my head like they always did on a Sunday night and I was mentally creating a to-do list.

Oh how things change

Today I sit here ready to help my sister tomorrow morning drop her kids off at school since I am not working. Yep the new routine of my world since I was made redundant last Monday. I don't mind helping out, but I still would at least like to be working.

So it all started last Monday, I attended my first meeting of the day and then was getting ready for the next when I was called in by the boss and told that my job was being made redundant and from Thursday I would no longer be required. To say that I was devastated, would be an understatement. There was no prior warning and I know that I was in shock. I took the day off and then had to decide if I was able to go back and work the next 3 days. I don't recall much of Monday, I think that I spent much of my day in tears or blowing my nose. By midday my face was puffy and red and my jaw hurt from crying. I made the decision then that I wouldn't be able to go back. Well at least not to work.

I managed to go into the office shortly after coming to that decision and I spent less than an hour clearing my office out with all 8 and a half years worth of accumulated stuff. The bags of this are still in my room tormenting me. I haven't been able to go through them yet, but I know that I need to. It was then that I knew that I was making the right move for me. In the time I was back in the office, it was uncomfortable. No one knew what to say to me, or would even look at me. It just left me feeling like I wasn't meant to be there at all.

Tuesday started the beginning of my new normal. I spent most of the day staring at my laptop screen trying to work out what I had done for the last 8yrs and putting it down on paper. I tried to think of all the things that I had achieved and highlight my strengths in a CV. I had no idea where to begin, but evenutally I found my way. I started looking for a new job. I applied for 1, but I didn't hold much hope that it could be that easy.

By Wednesday I was going insane. My CV still wasn't perfect and for those who know me, you would know how much that would annoy the hell out of me. Thursday and Friday was like wash, rinse and repeat. I was bored already. There was only one thing that kept me somewhat sane.

My friends and family.

The support that I have received this week have helped beyond measure. While still in shock, my brother and sister helped me realise that it made perfect business sense and that it wasn't a reflection on my work ethic. Heck my sister took the cupcakes she was baking out of her oven and then drove to my place to help me and used my oven to finish baking them. In the following days, it didn't matter who I spoke to, whether it be family, friends or ex work colleagues they all reiterated the same thing and while in my heart I knew that this was the case, it was nice for my head to have that reminder. Getting flowers from my sister and her boys on Friday to stop me from being sad made me smile, and still do.

When I said that I wanted an adventure this year, this is not what I had in mind.

So on the other side of the rainbow I am finding positives wherever I can and while this isn't the adventure that I had in mind at the start of the year, this is the one I am currently facing and I plan to do the best with what I have.

It just goes to so how things can change!

When I die

I attended my fourth funeral recently and it made me cry. Another life taken from this earth way too soon. I watched my aunt fall apart to the point where I thought that she was going to fall down and I can’t for even one moment imagine the pain that she is in right now at having to bury her only child. I watched friends and family gather to show support and express their grief in any and every way they could and for a split second it got me wondering about what will happen when I am gone. I don’t plan for it to be any time soon, but this was yet another stark reminder that our time on earth is limited and that we never really know when it will be up.


This thought has come back to haunt me many times this weekend as I have struggled to reconcile my feelings with reality. The reality is that I am not going to know what will happen when I am gone, I will not be there to see it. I will not be there to see my loved ones cry for me. I will not be there to worry about how my memorial goes or who, if anyone, will stand up and recall their memories of me. I won’t have to decide the music, or what I wear and I sure won’t be shedding any tears of pain and suffering, for that is the burden of those around me.


This bothers me a little, but not for the fact that I will be dead though, for the fact of what I am leaving behind. Now I don’t know if I will be leaving a partner, I don’t know if my parents will still be alive themselves, or if I will have any family at all left. What I do know is how I would want the day to run in my absence. I have known this for a number of years and should my family still be alive, they know it too.


It got me wondering though..... How often to we discuss our deaths? Yes I know it is morbid and that my head is in a crazy place, but lets push aside that it is death, and think about it.


I know the intimate details of how I would get married if I met someone. I know what I wouldn’t want and I know what I would.
I pick what music I like and what I do with my time.
I know what kind of work I want and what I want to achieve in my life.

If I were to die, I would also like to know that my time will be celebrated in a way that befits my life. I wouldn’t want a lot of photos shown on a screen, unless I looked amazing in them and I wouldn’t want sappy sad music. The day will be sad enough for those around me, the music will only add to the emotion of the day and send those there into a crying fit. I don’t like it when people cry in front of me now. I don’t want to be buried and given that I am not overly religious, I don’t want a lot of that in my memorial. I only want the truth to be spoken. I don’t want lies because it makes others feel better. I would like laughter. I know that this is a lot to ask at a sad time, but this is what I want. I want to be remembered. I don’t ever want to be forgotten.


Part of not being forgotten means that I want to have someone to leave behind. I don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to die and have people turn up to my memorial just for the sake of it was the right thing to do. I want only those who truly want to be there. If that means no one at all, then I would rather that.


So yeah, I am picky about what I want when I die. I may not be there to see it, but I would like to think that people would respect my decisions no matter what they are.

Oh my god, this just happened!

What started out as a breakfast with my mum and sister ended up with me booking my next adventure! 

First of all for those in WA, can I recommend the Boutique Travel Cafe. It is a travel agency with a cafe and they serve breakfast and lunch!!! The food today was amazing, and the coffee is local and pretty good too. The atmosphere reminded us all a little of Freo or Subi without the crowds. Enough spruiking my travel agent now and on with the exciting stuff!

Me booking a tour isn't a major surprise to those who know me. I have been taking about booking a holiday for about a month now. I looked at options and asked for advice. So it was no big deal for me to suddenly make a decision and dive feet first. 

NEW ZEALAND HERE I COME!

I have decided to travel with Topdeck once again as I had a good experience with them last time and hope to repeat it this time round too.

Now it is booked and half paid for already and I have 8 months until I am off again. As usual I am excited and can't wait to meet a new group of people who might become friends. I am also nervous too. One day I am going to find someone to travel with, but for now going solo is working for me.

Happy birthday to me! This year I will be celebrating it on Fox Glacier in New Zealand.

My Valentines day

It was epic!! No that isn't an exaggeration either!

I woke up late, enjoying the fact that I got a good nights sleep. The weather was cool, reminding me that summer was almost over and winter was getting another season closer.

My sister and her boys came to visit and I got hugs to know that I was loved. Spending time with family always makes me happy. We had a junk food lunch that included chocolate. I call that a win! When they left I decided it was time to clean up a few things, so I started with my room, which is in order again.

Now it is 8:30pm on a Valentine's Saturday night and I have been in my pajamas's since 5pm and I am happy. I am watching a movie and plan to read a book before bed.

My day didn't involved flowers, chocolates or outward expressions of love. Instead it was just like every other Saturday and just how I like it.

I hope that you can say the same thing for your day!

Broken

Ever had one of those days where you think that maybe you are broken? I don’t mean physically, but emotionally and mentally? Maybe it is just me, maybe I am not explaining it well enough. Don’t judge me for being honest, but today I am having one of those days and I can’t help but wonder if it is just me. Maybe I am just hormonal, maybe I am just in that kind of a frame of mind, whatever it is I need to get past it and in my broken messed up head, I know this.

I am over that hump called 30. My friends are getting married and having babies and as excited and blissfully happy that I am for them, there is this little kernel inside of me that is jealous, envious even. Today it is festering inside of me and I can’t help but wonder if it is just me. If I am broken. My nephew quizzed me on my love life a few weeks ago and he brought it to my attention that I don’t really have one, in fact if I am honest, I never really have had one. Okay, that isn't as bad as it sounds, or maybe it is. I don’t put myself out there. I never have, so I am not going to sit here and complain about not having someone when I have done nothing to help myself. I do however sit back and think about why I have never done something about it. I guess the easiest and politest way to explain it is that I have ‘quirks’. Gee that makes it a lot nicer than it is. In reality I am probably just bat shit crazy!

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, crowds, pubs, clubs and all that freak me out. I am more comfortable curled up with a good book than out raging and partying the night away. I am comfortable in my own skin, even when I am not. Well that is a little contradictory, I should have written, that I am comfortable with my own company. Me and my skin, well we have never been friends. In my eyes there is too much of it, along with too much fat and in my eyes that is a bad thing. I am not pretty, well unless pretty plain is a kind of pretty, in which case I nail it! I am getting side tracked though, I struggle to love myself a lot of the time, so I don’t expect strangers to love me. Add that to the fact that I am scared of putting myself out there as I am worried about rejection and I am all of a sudden a scared person living a happy lie. No that wasn't a typo, I didn't mean to write happy life. From the outside looking in, I can be as happy as and after so many years, I have learnt to lie well.

So I think that I went off on a tangent. I can hear you saying to yourself, but none of that means you’re broken and you are possibly right, it probably doesn't. I sure feel like I am though. Back to the matter at hand, inside my crazy head I am alone. Sure I have an amazing family and awesome friends. I have seen some amazing things in my 30 odd years of life and while I can’t wait for the next 30 odd years, there is a part of me that doesn't want things to be the same. Sure I don’t want the family and friend thing to change and I am certain that I am not going to stop travelling and seeing the world, but I don’t always want to be alone. I don’t always want to feel inadequate at the fact that I am alone, that I don’t live out of home (oh I forgot to mention that part didn't I?), I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if. I promised myself that this would be the year of adventure and trying new things, but 29 days in and already I am wondering how you manage to change a lifetime so far of quirks in a year?

Is that even possible?

How do you tell yourself that you are amazing just the way you are?

How do you tell yourself that you are worth someone else’s love and attention?

How do you push aside your fear of rejection in order to take a leap?

More to the point how do you make yourself just believe?

If you have managed to get this far and haven’t given up on this load of bat shit craziness, I have to ask…..

Have you ever had one of those days where you think that you may just be broken?

A six Letter curse word

Have you ever noticed that each of the seasons have six letters?

• Summer
• Winter
• Autumn
• Spring

I have made it no secret in the past that I LOVE winter. See Letter to Winter or Winter if you have only just joined me.

I have referred to Summer being a curse word once before, but that was before I was reminded how much I hate it. It is just gross! I think that since I am not a beach person and I loathe pools I struggle to find a way to be comfortable in the summer months. I hate dresses, I don't suit shorts and I love my jeans. I know that I am odd, but meh, that is me.

So I repeat..... SUMMER..... the only 6 letter curse word that I can think of at this moment!

Oh Winter how I miss you!

This heat and lack of rain for rack the heck off!

2015 - The year of adventure

2015 - The year of adventure

I started this year thinking big. I am paying off my car this year. I am going to go on another overseas holiday. I am going to be a Moo-Moo (an aunt for those who don't know the back story) again, but only in title, not in blood. This is going to be a year of trying new food, experiencing new things and hopefully achieving more than I ever thought I was capable of. I plan to make new friends and keep in touch with some old ones.

It is January and I am already getting into the spirit of things. I got an amazing diary from a friend today in the mail, that suits me so perfectly, and I am going to use it to record all of my adventures for the year. At the end of the year I am going to reflect on it as I head into the next year.

So I am off to have some fun and have an adventure! I hope that at the end of the year you have had an adventure too.

New Year, New me? Get real!

Well it is the start of a wonderful year and let me start off by saying that I hope that for everyone it is better than the year you have left behind. I am not huge on the whole New Year resolutions and I think that the whole New Year, New me thing is a waste of time. Come on people..... GET REAL!

Why does it have to be the start of a new year for it to be the start of a new you? More to the point, are you not awesome enough as it is? Why do you have to change? I don't think that my life is perfect, in fact it is far from it, but to paraphrase Marilyn Munroe, if you can't take me at my worst, you sure as shit don't deserve to see me at my best. So I am not changing for anyone. I am going to keep being me!

I don't smoke, I don't drink and I am generally a nice person. I could profess to want to change every year and say that I am going to lose weight, meet new people and find a man. Sure those things would be nice, but meh, if they happen, they happen.

Someone suggested that my new years resolution this year should be that I am grumpy, because I am not likely to keep it. It is so true. I never keep my resolutions, so why bother? This year I am just  going to be me. If that isn't enough for you, that isn't my problem, it is yours.

Get Real and Be real!

Enjoy the year, shake off silly resolutions and just be yourself. You are good enough as you are.