Emotionally blindsided

The flower really has nothing to do with this post, but since the rest of the post is all about my crazy head and the thoughts that are rolling around in it, I figured that you might like to look at something pretty first.

Now onto the rest of this blog.......

 

I woke up one day a few weeks ago and couldn't help but think about how badly I wanted to have a child of my own. Someone to love unconditionally that grew within me for however many weeks/months they decided on. Since then it has consumed my thoughts and not in a good way. 

For those who know me well or have known me for a long time you should know already that I was 12 when I told my mother that I would never give her grandchildren and until recently that had remained my stance on the subject. So it is safe to say that this sudden urge to have a child blindsided me. 

My heart still wants to have a child even when I weigh up the pros and cons and there are more cons than pros.  I am not sure yet if I am happy or sad that my head knows better than to be so whimsical on this subject.

My head knows that this is not like the time that I said that I never wanted to travel overseas and then booked my first tour of Europe after waking with the urge to suddenly travel. It knows that this is bigger than just what I want. It is bigger than what I need to make me feel better about the subject. The funny thing is that while my head knows this and knows all the reasons why it is a bad idea, it can't switch off the heart.

For every negative I can now see a way around it and for the serious ones that previously were my core reasons for standing strong and being responsible and saying no, they now sit firmly in the "who cares as long as you are happy" category.

I have heard the term "biological clock" thrown about a lot before and used to think what a crock of crap. I understand it now. I understand why some woman who know it is a bad idea suddenly go "stuff it" and have a child. 

I think that the worst part for me is that my responsible side will always win and I am to much of a practical person. I think about the options and weigh things up before I take a leap and this leap would be one that I would never be able to land feet first and keep going on. This for me, would be the kind of leap that would leave you drowning in the middle somewhere.