I am too independent

Have you ever stopped to think about how much you rely on others, or how independent you are? Are you dependent or independent?

Up until a few weeks ago, I know that I didn’t. Now I know that I am independent and I dislike asking others for help. It took breaking my foot to realise this though.

Two weeks ago I dropped a laptop on my foot. Sure it hurt, but it wasn’t like oh my gosh I am dying of agony. It was swollen and I couldn’t put my weight on my foot, instead opting to walk on the outside of my foot rather than the whole foot. It was just bruised in my mind. However after a few days and still no improvement (it was actually worse if I am being honest) I took the morning off work and decided that maybe it would be a good idea to get a doctor to look at it. Turns out I was wrong and it was broken. Nothing that they can do for it as it isn’t in a place that can be casted. Just keep my weight off of it for 4 weeks and it should be alright. So for the first time in my life I had to learn how to use crutches. I am uncoordinated at the best of times, but add in crutches and I am hilarious.

For the first few days I spent a lot of time laughing at myself as I struggled with things. I decided that it was better to laugh at myself so that everyone else could laugh with me instead of laughing at me. It was then that I realised that this wasn’t going to be an easy few weeks. My other muscles started to ache. The outside of my broken foot started to hurt more than the original ache. Then it was my knees, both of them, my hips, my back and finally my hands and arms. The more I walk, the more I hurt. The downside is that the more that I don’t walk, the more that my foot swells and goes numb. It is kind of like the lesser of the two pains.

At work I have to climb a flight of stairs on crutches. I have to move around the office and then get down at the end of the afternoon. I have to rely on others to drive me around as I can’t put weight on my foot enough to drive safely. The little things I have to ask for help with. Getting my lunch heated up, my water bottle filled, coffee for my desk, carrying things up and down stairs and the list goes on. I HATE being dependant on anyone and this last 2 weeks have shown me how hard I actually find it to ask for help. I have tried to find ways around having to ask for help, but at the end of the day I know that if I can’t work it out, I need to open my mouth and ask for help.

It feels unnatural for me to utter the words “Can you please help me.....” I still stutter over then now and I am counting down the days until I don’t have to utter them again. I am happy to help others, but I have decided that I am way too independent to ask for others to help me.

Winter

I love the winter months. I have done for as long as I remember and wouldn't change it for the world. Give me the rain, the storms and the cold weather any day over the summer months. For me summer is a 6 letter curse word and winter is pure bliss.


I don’t mind the cold mornings where all that I want to do is stay snuggled in my nice warm bed instead of getting up and doing the responsible adult thing and go to work. I don’t mind having to wear multiple layers of clothes in order to stay warm. It doesn't bother me that I look huge in so many layers. For some reason I can always find a way to stay warm and comfortable in winter. There are only so many things that you can shed in summer to try and get cool before you become indecent!


I don’t mind the wet weather, in fact I love dancing in the rain. No winter seems complete if I haven’t gotten absolutely drowned in the rain at least once and have been forced home to get a nice hot shower. Now don’t forget puddles of water and gumboots. While I haven’t had gumboots for a while, I am seriously thinking about getting a set this year. Why should kids be the only ones able to dance in the rain and jump in puddles?


I don't mind a good storm as it is good for the soul, or at least my soul. It is more than just rain, it is the thunder and lightning that make it like an emotional symphony. Add in a little wind and it becomes perfect. Sure the destruction that it can cause isn't the best, and often we can end up hurt, but it is cathartic too. If you listen to relaxation music you will know that a good portion of it is nature’s music and storms feature heavily in it. So the up and down feel of a storm is like the ebb and flow of life. It just seems to go together and for me it feels peaceful, even while it is destructive.


So every year I count down the summer months just so that we can get closer to the winter ones. For those are the months that I love the most. We may not get snow or below freezing temperatures, but what we do get is enough to keep me happy.

Emotionally blindsided

The flower really has nothing to do with this post, but since the rest of the post is all about my crazy head and the thoughts that are rolling around in it, I figured that you might like to look at something pretty first.

Now onto the rest of this blog.......

 

I woke up one day a few weeks ago and couldn't help but think about how badly I wanted to have a child of my own. Someone to love unconditionally that grew within me for however many weeks/months they decided on. Since then it has consumed my thoughts and not in a good way. 

For those who know me well or have known me for a long time you should know already that I was 12 when I told my mother that I would never give her grandchildren and until recently that had remained my stance on the subject. So it is safe to say that this sudden urge to have a child blindsided me. 

My heart still wants to have a child even when I weigh up the pros and cons and there are more cons than pros.  I am not sure yet if I am happy or sad that my head knows better than to be so whimsical on this subject.

My head knows that this is not like the time that I said that I never wanted to travel overseas and then booked my first tour of Europe after waking with the urge to suddenly travel. It knows that this is bigger than just what I want. It is bigger than what I need to make me feel better about the subject. The funny thing is that while my head knows this and knows all the reasons why it is a bad idea, it can't switch off the heart.

For every negative I can now see a way around it and for the serious ones that previously were my core reasons for standing strong and being responsible and saying no, they now sit firmly in the "who cares as long as you are happy" category.

I have heard the term "biological clock" thrown about a lot before and used to think what a crock of crap. I understand it now. I understand why some woman who know it is a bad idea suddenly go "stuff it" and have a child. 

I think that the worst part for me is that my responsible side will always win and I am to much of a practical person. I think about the options and weigh things up before I take a leap and this leap would be one that I would never be able to land feet first and keep going on. This for me, would be the kind of leap that would leave you drowning in the middle somewhere.