Emotionally blindsided

The flower really has nothing to do with this post, but since the rest of the post is all about my crazy head and the thoughts that are rolling around in it, I figured that you might like to look at something pretty first.

Now onto the rest of this blog.......

 

I woke up one day a few weeks ago and couldn't help but think about how badly I wanted to have a child of my own. Someone to love unconditionally that grew within me for however many weeks/months they decided on. Since then it has consumed my thoughts and not in a good way. 

For those who know me well or have known me for a long time you should know already that I was 12 when I told my mother that I would never give her grandchildren and until recently that had remained my stance on the subject. So it is safe to say that this sudden urge to have a child blindsided me. 

My heart still wants to have a child even when I weigh up the pros and cons and there are more cons than pros.  I am not sure yet if I am happy or sad that my head knows better than to be so whimsical on this subject.

My head knows that this is not like the time that I said that I never wanted to travel overseas and then booked my first tour of Europe after waking with the urge to suddenly travel. It knows that this is bigger than just what I want. It is bigger than what I need to make me feel better about the subject. The funny thing is that while my head knows this and knows all the reasons why it is a bad idea, it can't switch off the heart.

For every negative I can now see a way around it and for the serious ones that previously were my core reasons for standing strong and being responsible and saying no, they now sit firmly in the "who cares as long as you are happy" category.

I have heard the term "biological clock" thrown about a lot before and used to think what a crock of crap. I understand it now. I understand why some woman who know it is a bad idea suddenly go "stuff it" and have a child. 

I think that the worst part for me is that my responsible side will always win and I am to much of a practical person. I think about the options and weigh things up before I take a leap and this leap would be one that I would never be able to land feet first and keep going on. This for me, would be the kind of leap that would leave you drowning in the middle somewhere.

Dreaming

I have had a bad few days with headaches that have been so bad they are almost at migraine levels. They don't just impact my work life, my everyday life is impacted upon too. While I know that it is not a tumour, it is a debilitating feeling to be hurting and not be able to do a great deal for yourself.  Pain relief helps take the edge off however it isn't enough to make me fully functional. 

A dark room with as much silence as possible is my only real option. Migraines  make me tired and no amount of sleep seems to help. One thing, which after the first day, becomes boring. It gives you too much time to think. Too much time with your own thoughts and your own head. My head is a scary enough place without anyone else getting involved in it. When I am trying to recover I find myself not always dead to the world, but often hovering between awake and asleep. It gives me time to dream. 

Dreaming . . . .

Of a life I wish I had and the life that I currently live. 

Dreaming . . . .

Of how I wish things were and how they really are. 

Dreaming . . . .

Of things I want to do and that I will never be able to reach for. 

Dreaming . . . .

Of things that I want and will never be able to get. 

I woke up from one of my many seemingly endless naps with a hand reading gently on my stomach and before I really woke up fully and registered that I needed more Panadol the first thing that ran through my mind was what it would be like to have a child. I dreamed of how it would be to create another life.  I would get to experience feeling my body change and a child moving inside of me and would get to experience the love between a mother and her child. In my head I saw it all in those brief moments before clarity set in, I awoke fully and I was no longer dreaming. I felt disheartened for a while before my head saw the things that I would never have and all the reasons why it was silly to dream of such things. I have no partner. I have no place of my own. I am afraid of pain and more importantly it was only a dream. 

Much like my other dreams, some of them are just not possible. No matter how many times I tell myself this, you can't help what runs through your head when you have little else to do but lay there and try and rest. It is where you true thoughts come out.

Public transport hates me

For the last week mum and I have been on holidays. We spent 4 nights with friends in Sydney at the bar of the blue mountains before jumping on a flight to Melbourne for and additional 3 nights. It has been a great trip. I have caught up with friends and I have relaxed all the whole spending time with mum.

Yesterday We rode the train to the outer suburbs for coffee with Some online friends of mine. Mum Now knows that they are real and that I am not cra cra crazy.. While it took only an hour to get there it took 2 1/2 hours to get back.

Well today I met up with some beautiful people for breakfast before I left Melbourne. We all forgot that it was ANZAC day and that the city would be chaotic with the anzac parade. Struggling to get to where we were meant to be meeting I finally arrived only 20mins late.

The atmosphere was amazing though and I am thankful that I got to experience it. Breakfast was a treat and the gossip was good too. Our reminded me why I got on so well with these people when I travelled to Europe last year.

At the end I said goodbye and promised to return. The crowds were still crazy so I planned to walk about half a km to get to a tram stop and use the tram to get back to the girl were mum was already checked out and waiting.

The plan sounds simple right? I watched the tram come up the road and stop. Everyone eventually got off and the tram suddenly went out of service. Time was ticking away and I needed to hurry back in order to get to the airport in time so I set off on foot. If it had been flat I think that I would have been alright but the hills on Latrobe st killed me.

After a quick call I had mum meet me outside and after getting my case off of her we kept moving towards the station. Now by this time my toes are cut and starting to go numb. I have never been so thankful that there was a shuttle bus waiting for us that I could get straight on.

So now I am here with numb feet hoping that when we get to the airport that I don't have to walk too far!

Things my Samsung sucks at!

It has taken me a week to compose this post, but I think that it is worth it. I own a Samsung S3 phone, and have done for almost 2 years now. I have never had an issue with it so when my sister needed to get a new phone I didn't hesitate to recommend the same phone as I had. Part of me regrets that decision now. Only because unlike my positive experience, my sister is having a bad one. I tend to agree with my sister that hers is possibly faulty, so she will need to deal with that herself.

In the midst of working out that it was a problem with the phone and not the user, I received the emails below at work, which I couldn't help but laugh at. It wasn't just the title of the email, but also the way it was written. I figure that it was a bit of a laugh and after sharing it around the office at work, I would share it here too.

From: My Sister
To: Me
Subject: Things my samsung sucks at
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 01:57:20 +0000

This list is in no way intended to be an exhaustive list of things I hate about this phone. It is just the beginning.

 

1. When I'm on the phone, the back screen goes blank.

2. It randomly turns itself on silent.

3. Even when it's not on silent, sometimes it makes NO SOUND when it rings.

4. Heck, sometimes it doesn't even bother to ring. I just get a voicemail.

5. I now have 564 PAGES of sent emails. Pages. PAGES!

6. There are so many blank screens to flick through to get to my apps.

7. In the phone log, it logs all the text messages and phone calls. My inbox logs my freaking text messages, I don't need the call log to do it too.

8. The volume settings are crapola. It doesn't seem to remember the settings I last left it on, so it resets.

9. I don't even know what the FIRETRUCK a widget is.

10. When I play music in the car, I'm singing my heart out to a song... and the damn thing just randomly         skips (mid bloody song) to the next one.

11. The camera makes the shutter sound when I take a pic even when it's on silent. I can't take sneaky        pics of the kids anymore.

12. There's a hundred bloody symbols at the top of the screen. I don't like clutter.

13. There is a distinct lack of autocorrect. I need to put in my own apostrophes now. You know me, punctuation is critical.

14. I still can't receive messages from anyone with an iPhone!

 

That will do for now... There is a stack more though.;

 

 

Things I like about my phone.

 

1. CaptureCam. This app is so freaking cool, I almost want to enter the wrong passcode in a few times to laugh at the photo it takes! Alas, this is an APP so it's not really something I like about the PHONE.

From: My Sister
To: Me
Subject: RE: Things my samsung sucks at
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 01:58:20 +0000

Make that 568 pages of sent emails now.

After searching the google play store for about 20mins without being able to find this app, I gave up. It wasn't until we were in the middle of her 2hrs training/introduction to how to use her samsung that she admitted that it is her anti virus app that has capturecam, and not an app specifically called capturecam. Seems that like widgets, the definition of an app is a little confusing too for her.

Rain!

When I was little I used to think that I just loved winter, but as I have grown older I have realised that it isn’t just that.

I love the rain!

Whether that be a summer storm or a cold wet day I am happy when I can feel the wetness on my skin and smell the rain in the air as it falls. If you were able to bottle the smell of fresh rain I would always be happy. People often think that I am weird in this, but the truth is I don’t care!

I have danced in the rain more times that I care to recall. As a child it was only ever done when I wasn’t near mum and dad who would tell me that I would get a cold or get sick, but as I have grown up I lost my ability to care if I got sick, it was more about the fun factor. While everyone else around me reaches for an umbrella the moment that the skies start to look threatening or the forecast says that there is a chance of a shower, I reach for my glasses wipe for after the rain is over and wish that I had worn contacts so that even that wouldn’t be needed. It doesn’t matter if I am exploring Venice, if I am standing on a bridge overlooking a flooded river in Katherine, NT or if I am just dancing in the rain with my nephews, it is all about the fun and the rain.

Driving to work today there was the remnants of overnight rain still in the air. I smelt it before even leaving the house and I knew that it was going to be a good day. After not having rain for over 90 days it was a welcome change. Walking outside I was assaulted with the smell and couldn’t help the smile, even in my still sleepy state, that rose on my face. Getting into my car I lowered the window so that I could have the smell follow me all the way to work. It started to rain a little, but it still wasn’t enough to make me wind the window back up.

Given that it is still warm outside the rain hasn’t done much for the humidity in the air, but I am still smiling and hoping that this rain will last for just a little longer. A storm would be complete it. The only thing better than rain is thunder and lightning as well. I live in hope that it will happen today, but if not, it isn’t going to be long before winter is upon us and rain becomes the norm for each day again.

Give me the wet wintery days over the heat and sun any day!