When I die

I attended my fourth funeral recently and it made me cry. Another life taken from this earth way too soon. I watched my aunt fall apart to the point where I thought that she was going to fall down and I can’t for even one moment imagine the pain that she is in right now at having to bury her only child. I watched friends and family gather to show support and express their grief in any and every way they could and for a split second it got me wondering about what will happen when I am gone. I don’t plan for it to be any time soon, but this was yet another stark reminder that our time on earth is limited and that we never really know when it will be up.


This thought has come back to haunt me many times this weekend as I have struggled to reconcile my feelings with reality. The reality is that I am not going to know what will happen when I am gone, I will not be there to see it. I will not be there to see my loved ones cry for me. I will not be there to worry about how my memorial goes or who, if anyone, will stand up and recall their memories of me. I won’t have to decide the music, or what I wear and I sure won’t be shedding any tears of pain and suffering, for that is the burden of those around me.


This bothers me a little, but not for the fact that I will be dead though, for the fact of what I am leaving behind. Now I don’t know if I will be leaving a partner, I don’t know if my parents will still be alive themselves, or if I will have any family at all left. What I do know is how I would want the day to run in my absence. I have known this for a number of years and should my family still be alive, they know it too.


It got me wondering though..... How often to we discuss our deaths? Yes I know it is morbid and that my head is in a crazy place, but lets push aside that it is death, and think about it.


I know the intimate details of how I would get married if I met someone. I know what I wouldn’t want and I know what I would.
I pick what music I like and what I do with my time.
I know what kind of work I want and what I want to achieve in my life.

If I were to die, I would also like to know that my time will be celebrated in a way that befits my life. I wouldn’t want a lot of photos shown on a screen, unless I looked amazing in them and I wouldn’t want sappy sad music. The day will be sad enough for those around me, the music will only add to the emotion of the day and send those there into a crying fit. I don’t like it when people cry in front of me now. I don’t want to be buried and given that I am not overly religious, I don’t want a lot of that in my memorial. I only want the truth to be spoken. I don’t want lies because it makes others feel better. I would like laughter. I know that this is a lot to ask at a sad time, but this is what I want. I want to be remembered. I don’t ever want to be forgotten.


Part of not being forgotten means that I want to have someone to leave behind. I don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to die and have people turn up to my memorial just for the sake of it was the right thing to do. I want only those who truly want to be there. If that means no one at all, then I would rather that.


So yeah, I am picky about what I want when I die. I may not be there to see it, but I would like to think that people would respect my decisions no matter what they are.