Broken

Ever had one of those days where you think that maybe you are broken? I don’t mean physically, but emotionally and mentally? Maybe it is just me, maybe I am not explaining it well enough. Don’t judge me for being honest, but today I am having one of those days and I can’t help but wonder if it is just me. Maybe I am just hormonal, maybe I am just in that kind of a frame of mind, whatever it is I need to get past it and in my broken messed up head, I know this.

I am over that hump called 30. My friends are getting married and having babies and as excited and blissfully happy that I am for them, there is this little kernel inside of me that is jealous, envious even. Today it is festering inside of me and I can’t help but wonder if it is just me. If I am broken. My nephew quizzed me on my love life a few weeks ago and he brought it to my attention that I don’t really have one, in fact if I am honest, I never really have had one. Okay, that isn't as bad as it sounds, or maybe it is. I don’t put myself out there. I never have, so I am not going to sit here and complain about not having someone when I have done nothing to help myself. I do however sit back and think about why I have never done something about it. I guess the easiest and politest way to explain it is that I have ‘quirks’. Gee that makes it a lot nicer than it is. In reality I am probably just bat shit crazy!

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, crowds, pubs, clubs and all that freak me out. I am more comfortable curled up with a good book than out raging and partying the night away. I am comfortable in my own skin, even when I am not. Well that is a little contradictory, I should have written, that I am comfortable with my own company. Me and my skin, well we have never been friends. In my eyes there is too much of it, along with too much fat and in my eyes that is a bad thing. I am not pretty, well unless pretty plain is a kind of pretty, in which case I nail it! I am getting side tracked though, I struggle to love myself a lot of the time, so I don’t expect strangers to love me. Add that to the fact that I am scared of putting myself out there as I am worried about rejection and I am all of a sudden a scared person living a happy lie. No that wasn't a typo, I didn't mean to write happy life. From the outside looking in, I can be as happy as and after so many years, I have learnt to lie well.

So I think that I went off on a tangent. I can hear you saying to yourself, but none of that means you’re broken and you are possibly right, it probably doesn't. I sure feel like I am though. Back to the matter at hand, inside my crazy head I am alone. Sure I have an amazing family and awesome friends. I have seen some amazing things in my 30 odd years of life and while I can’t wait for the next 30 odd years, there is a part of me that doesn't want things to be the same. Sure I don’t want the family and friend thing to change and I am certain that I am not going to stop travelling and seeing the world, but I don’t always want to be alone. I don’t always want to feel inadequate at the fact that I am alone, that I don’t live out of home (oh I forgot to mention that part didn't I?), I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if. I promised myself that this would be the year of adventure and trying new things, but 29 days in and already I am wondering how you manage to change a lifetime so far of quirks in a year?

Is that even possible?

How do you tell yourself that you are amazing just the way you are?

How do you tell yourself that you are worth someone else’s love and attention?

How do you push aside your fear of rejection in order to take a leap?

More to the point how do you make yourself just believe?

If you have managed to get this far and haven’t given up on this load of bat shit craziness, I have to ask…..

Have you ever had one of those days where you think that you may just be broken?