Fat

Fat.... It is a word I personally hate and have spent a lot of time trying not to think of myself using that word. For the first 30 something years I tended not to care enough about it to care if I was fat. I did what anyone does when they are living in denial, they ignore the issue. I accepted that I was fat, I accepted that I would always be that way and I accepted that people around me probably saw me as fat. I just didn't care for the most part, and when I did care I used to tell myself that who cared that I was fat, those around me knew that I was beautiful inside and if a stranger couldn't get past my looks well fuck 'em. That was THEIR problem, not mine.

Then it started to get to me, I started to hate myself more and more with each passing day. I avoided shopping as I hated seeing myself in the massive mirrors and I hated the struggle of finding clothes that fit. What I hated most was seeing that size on the tag and thinking how huge it was.

I promised myself that I would do something about it. I started attending a fitness class where everyone was different sizes and different fitness levels. I gave it my all and slowly I started to change my thinking. I started not caring if I was fat and believing that I was beautiful again. I loved shopping while I am still not a fan of the mirrors I cared less and less about the size on the tags. Now I would love to say that the tag size changed or that I lost a bunch of kilos, but I didn't. It was all in my mind. I felt better inside. Numbers didn't matter. I was happy and knew that no matter how I looked, I was getting fit and fitness comes in all sizes. I gained confidence in not only myself, but my ability. I gained confidence in my happiness.

Now I know by now you are sensing the but...... I promise it is coming, right now in fact.

I did a silly thing this week, I weighed myself for the first time in ages and I had gained a few kilos. It was just enough to put me outside of my "normal" weight range. In fact it was only 2 kgs over my weight range, but all of a sudden things changed. I started hating myself, I started hating my body and while I knew that it could be muscle, it could be water retention, hormones or the fact that I have missed a few classes being sick with a chest infection, my mind skipped all those plausible reasons and jumped straight to FAT. That 3 letter word that systematically stripped away 18 mths of work in changing the way that I felt about me.

Still not wanting to let it deter me, I still managed to drag my fat ass (my brains current description of myself) to class where I attempted to punch out, kick out and squat out my bad mood. The same as what I always do to help with my mental health, only this time it was the last track that screwed me over. It was a plank track. Now at the best of times I struggle with planking. Have you ever tried to support your whole body on your toes and hands? Well I can't do that, heck I can't even do the version where you are on your knees and forearms. I couldn't hold my 110+ kilo body weight up. I kept falling and the more I tried the worse I felt. Think beached whale. I felt ugly, I felt fat and I hated myself, not only for feeling that way, but for letting myself feel that way. 

I cried through the cool down and couldn't escape fast enough. My mood turned toxic quicker than I could blink. I drove home hating myself and then proceeded to cry in the shower, while avoiding even looking at my own body.

This just goes to show that even when you think that you are fine, things change. I know that things will get better and this is just a hurdle. I know that in coming days/weeks/months I am going to look back on this and be like, "how silly was I?" but for now, it hurts. I hurt and there is nothing that anyone else can say or do to make me feel better. I know that only I can change the way I feel and only I can get past it. So this isn't a cry for help, or a cry for attention, it is an admission that everyone has their own personal demons and sometimes it just helps to talk about them or write them down.

So hug yourself, you are the only you that you get. Love yourself as that is the most important thing that you can do for your mental health.