This time last week I was ready for another working week. My clothes were washed, lunch was made and I was considering having an early night in preparation for an early morning meeting. Thoughts of my week and the work I had to get done were running through my head like they always did on a Sunday night and I was mentally creating a to-do list.
Oh how things change
Today I sit here ready to help my sister tomorrow morning drop her kids off at school since I am not working. Yep the new routine of my world since I was made redundant last Monday. I don't mind helping out, but I still would at least like to be working.
So it all started last Monday, I attended my first meeting of the day and then was getting ready for the next when I was called in by the boss and told that my job was being made redundant and from Thursday I would no longer be required. To say that I was devastated, would be an understatement. There was no prior warning and I know that I was in shock. I took the day off and then had to decide if I was able to go back and work the next 3 days. I don't recall much of Monday, I think that I spent much of my day in tears or blowing my nose. By midday my face was puffy and red and my jaw hurt from crying. I made the decision then that I wouldn't be able to go back. Well at least not to work.
I managed to go into the office shortly after coming to that decision and I spent less than an hour clearing my office out with all 8 and a half years worth of accumulated stuff. The bags of this are still in my room tormenting me. I haven't been able to go through them yet, but I know that I need to. It was then that I knew that I was making the right move for me. In the time I was back in the office, it was uncomfortable. No one knew what to say to me, or would even look at me. It just left me feeling like I wasn't meant to be there at all.
Tuesday started the beginning of my new normal. I spent most of the day staring at my laptop screen trying to work out what I had done for the last 8yrs and putting it down on paper. I tried to think of all the things that I had achieved and highlight my strengths in a CV. I had no idea where to begin, but evenutally I found my way. I started looking for a new job. I applied for 1, but I didn't hold much hope that it could be that easy.
By Wednesday I was going insane. My CV still wasn't perfect and for those who know me, you would know how much that would annoy the hell out of me. Thursday and Friday was like wash, rinse and repeat. I was bored already. There was only one thing that kept me somewhat sane.
My friends and family.
The support that I have received this week have helped beyond measure. While still in shock, my brother and sister helped me realise that it made perfect business sense and that it wasn't a reflection on my work ethic. Heck my sister took the cupcakes she was baking out of her oven and then drove to my place to help me and used my oven to finish baking them. In the following days, it didn't matter who I spoke to, whether it be family, friends or ex work colleagues they all reiterated the same thing and while in my heart I knew that this was the case, it was nice for my head to have that reminder. Getting flowers from my sister and her boys on Friday to stop me from being sad made me smile, and still do.
When I said that I wanted an adventure this year, this is not what I had in mind.
So on the other side of the rainbow I am finding positives wherever I can and while this isn't the adventure that I had in mind at the start of the year, this is the one I am currently facing and I plan to do the best with what I have.
It just goes to so how things can change!
I attended my fourth funeral recently and it made me cry. Another life taken from this earth way too soon. I watched my aunt fall apart to the point where I thought that she was going to fall down and I can’t for even one moment imagine the pain that she is in right now at having to bury her only child. I watched friends and family gather to show support and express their grief in any and every way they could and for a split second it got me wondering about what will happen when I am gone. I don’t plan for it to be any time soon, but this was yet another stark reminder that our time on earth is limited and that we never really know when it will be up.
This thought has come back to haunt me many times this weekend as I have struggled to reconcile my feelings with reality. The reality is that I am not going to know what will happen when I am gone, I will not be there to see it. I will not be there to see my loved ones cry for me. I will not be there to worry about how my memorial goes or who, if anyone, will stand up and recall their memories of me. I won’t have to decide the music, or what I wear and I sure won’t be shedding any tears of pain and suffering, for that is the burden of those around me.
This bothers me a little, but not for the fact that I will be dead though, for the fact of what I am leaving behind. Now I don’t know if I will be leaving a partner, I don’t know if my parents will still be alive themselves, or if I will have any family at all left. What I do know is how I would want the day to run in my absence. I have known this for a number of years and should my family still be alive, they know it too.
It got me wondering though..... How often to we discuss our deaths? Yes I know it is morbid and that my head is in a crazy place, but lets push aside that it is death, and think about it.
I know the intimate details of how I would get married if I met someone. I know what I wouldn’t want and I know what I would. I pick what music I like and what I do with my time.I know what kind of work I want and what I want to achieve in my life.
If I were to die, I would also like to know that my time will be celebrated in a way that befits my life. I wouldn’t want a lot of photos shown on a screen, unless I looked amazing in them and I wouldn’t want sappy sad music. The day will be sad enough for those around me, the music will only add to the emotion of the day and send those there into a crying fit. I don’t like it when people cry in front of me now. I don’t want to be buried and given that I am not overly religious, I don’t want a lot of that in my memorial. I only want the truth to be spoken. I don’t want lies because it makes others feel better. I would like laughter. I know that this is a lot to ask at a sad time, but this is what I want. I want to be remembered. I don’t ever want to be forgotten.
Part of not being forgotten means that I want to have someone to leave behind. I don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to die and have people turn up to my memorial just for the sake of it was the right thing to do. I want only those who truly want to be there. If that means no one at all, then I would rather that.
So yeah, I am picky about what I want when I die. I may not be there to see it, but I would like to think that people would respect my decisions no matter what they are.
