Ever had one of those days where you think that maybe you
are broken? I don’t mean physically, but emotionally and mentally? Maybe it is
just me, maybe I am not explaining it well enough. Don’t judge me for being
honest, but today I am having one of those days and I can’t help but wonder if
it is just me. Maybe I am just hormonal, maybe I am just in that kind of a frame of mind, whatever
it is I need to get past it and in my broken messed up head, I know this.
I am over that hump called 30. My friends are getting
married and having babies and as excited and blissfully happy that I am for
them, there is this little kernel inside of me that is jealous, envious even. Today
it is festering inside of me and I can’t help but wonder if it is just me. If I
am broken. My nephew quizzed me on my love life a few weeks ago and he brought
it to my attention that I don’t really have one, in fact if I am honest, I
never really have had one. Okay, that isn't as bad as it sounds, or maybe it
is. I don’t put myself out there. I never have, so I am not going to sit here
and complain about not having someone when I have done nothing to help myself.
I do however sit back and think about why
I have never done something about it. I guess the easiest and politest way
to explain it is that I have ‘quirks’. Gee that makes it a lot nicer than it
is. In reality I am probably just bat shit crazy!
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, crowds, pubs, clubs and all
that freak me out. I am more comfortable curled up with a good book than out
raging and partying the night away. I am comfortable in my own skin, even when
I am not. Well that is a little contradictory, I should have written, that I am
comfortable with my own company. Me and my skin, well we have never been
friends. In my eyes there is too much of it, along with too much fat and in my
eyes that is a bad thing. I am not pretty, well unless pretty plain is a kind
of pretty, in which case I nail it! I am getting side tracked though, I
struggle to love myself a lot of the time, so I don’t expect strangers to love
me. Add that to the fact that I am scared of putting myself out there as I am
worried about rejection and I am all of a sudden a scared person living a happy
lie. No that wasn't a typo, I didn't mean to write happy life. From the outside
looking in, I can be as happy as and after so many years, I have learnt to lie
well.
So I think that I went off on a tangent. I can hear you
saying to yourself, but none of that means you’re broken and you are possibly
right, it probably doesn't. I sure feel like I am though. Back to the matter at
hand, inside my crazy head I am alone. Sure I have an amazing family and
awesome friends. I have seen some amazing things in my 30 odd years of life and
while I can’t wait for the next 30 odd years, there is a part of me that doesn't
want things to be the same. Sure I don’t want the family and friend thing to
change and I am certain that I am not going to stop travelling and seeing the
world, but I don’t always want to be alone. I don’t always want to feel
inadequate at the fact that I am alone, that I don’t live out of home (oh I
forgot to mention that part didn't I?), I don’t want to look back on my life
and wonder what if. I promised myself that this would be the year of adventure
and trying new things, but 29 days in and already I am wondering how you manage
to change a lifetime so far of quirks in a year?
Is that even possible?
How do you tell yourself that you are amazing just the way
you are?
How do you tell yourself that you are worth someone else’s
love and attention?
How do you push aside your fear of rejection in order to
take a leap?
More to the point how do you make yourself just believe?
If you have managed to get this far and haven’t given up on
this load of bat shit craziness, I have to ask…..
Have you ever had one of those days where you think that you
may just be broken?
