I have had a bad few days with headaches that have been so bad they are almost at migraine levels. They don't just impact my work life, my everyday life is impacted upon too. While I know that it is not a tumour, it is a debilitating feeling to be hurting and not be able to do a great deal for yourself. Pain relief helps take the edge off however it isn't enough to make me fully functional.
A dark room with as much silence as possible is my only real option. Migraines make me tired and no amount of sleep seems to help. One thing, which after the first day, becomes boring. It gives you too much time to think. Too much time with your own thoughts and your own head. My head is a scary enough place without anyone else getting involved in it. When I am trying to recover I find myself not always dead to the world, but often hovering between awake and asleep. It gives me time to dream.
Dreaming . . . .
Of a life I wish I had and the life that I currently live.
Dreaming . . . .
Of how I wish things were and how they really are.
Dreaming . . . .
Of things I want to do and that I will never be able to reach for.
Dreaming . . . .
Of things that I want and will never be able to get.
I woke up from one of my many seemingly endless naps with a hand reading gently on my stomach and before I really woke up fully and registered that I needed more Panadol the first thing that ran through my mind was what it would be like to have a child. I dreamed of how it would be to create another life. I would get to experience feeling my body change and a child moving inside of me and would get to experience the love between a mother and her child. In my head I saw it all in those brief moments before clarity set in, I awoke fully and I was no longer dreaming.
I felt disheartened for a while before my head saw the things that I would never have and all the reasons why it was silly to dream of such things. I have no partner. I have no place of my own. I am afraid of pain and more importantly it was only a dream.
Much like my other dreams, some of them are just not possible. No matter how many times I tell myself this, you can't help what runs through your head when you have little else to do but lay there and try and rest. It is where you true thoughts come out.
